Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
This Michael J. Fox bobble head I just bought is super realistic.
One of these days I'm going to find Cap'n Crunch and take a cheese grater to the roof of his fucking mouth.
When Jesse James and Kat Von D have a kid its going to come out looking like a Ed Hardy t-shirt.
I cancelled my cable cause instead of watching TV I just drop acid and watch my cat. It costs less, and I don't even have a cat.
My girlfriend pulls my dick so hard when she gives me handjobs sometimes I think she expects a parachute to come out of my ass.
My wife and I are like Bert and Ernie, in the sense that we have sex with each other.
I'm really bad at drawing so when people pass out at parties I actually put my dick on their face to trace around.
When I come home from work and my wife is in the bedroom with a tie on the door, I'm pretty sure that means I'm allowed to play video games.
I like to send a picture of my dick to my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend with a caption that says 'This has been inside of her'.
Stealing a tweet is like hopping on the toilet if someone forgets to flush and calling it your shit.
I blocked my wife on Facebook. Dinner time has been SUPER awkward.
The first rule of Chess Club is don't tell anyone you're in Chess Club.
My mom keeps asking when I'm going to meet a nice girl and settle down. I'm married.
I just shit in a plastic bag and threw it at a moving vehicle. Why? Because not once in my life has anyone ever told me not to do that.
I'm pretty sure if I woke up and my house was on fire, the first thing I'd do is tweet about it.
Dear Facebook: Quit being like my mom and suggesting people for me to be friends with.
Let's be realistic - On Twitter, 'I love your tweets' really means 'You better fucking follow me back or I will unfollow you.'
If Optimus Prime took a shit, his shit would transform into a Smart Car.
I've been masturbating vigorously for 4 months straight and still no blindness. Call me, Myth Busters.
I told my son that school is very important, he said 'fuck school, I'm gonna be a ninja'. Carry on, boy, carry on.
I'm a sexycologist with a PhD in supreme awesomeness.