It'd be cool to have albino pubes.

Yes, I'm the little dirtbag pumping gas with no shoes on.

My pitbull is super clean about her butthole. #proudmama

I look stupid but I am warm.

You don't know me till you know my chipotle order.

I swear to God I'm changing my number and never letting anyone with a penis have it again ever under any circumstances.

Organizing my inbox. Literally just created a folder called "evidence."

I'm gonna jerk off to my bank account tonight.

It's unfair that I'm not supposed to get mad about things that are unfair.

Can you ever really love me if you're not stalking me on twitter? I don't think so.

My breasts can tell that it's raining.  http://instagr.am/p/Sq7W2DHpjz/ 

Did all the rest of you girls know that if you give a guy your number he thinks he can bang you?

If you can't be friends with me without trying to get in my pants, I hate you.

I've already stalked myself better than anyone could ever stalk me.

It's a Rilo Kiley kind of day.

I'll be smuggling these eggs under my dress today. http://t.co/uomGekYE

Pussy runs everything.

If yr gonna build a bird house, the FIRST thing you should know is that birds don't actually go in those things.

I just controlled my touch screen with a tortilla.

You know those jokes that only someone who's had sex with you would get?