My cat sure loves playing inside this plastic bag. Or at least he did. He hasn't moved in a while. Must've tired himself out.

Seems to me the hardest part about being a lesbian would be knowing when the sex is finished.

I came across a picture of an old girlfriend today. I just couldn't help myself.

I'm sorry I ran over your dog but in my defense I was texting! You're being awfully judgemental for someone who can't even see.

No need to fight over me, ladies. I'm perfectly capable of disappointing all of you sexually.

It turns out that using her vibrator to stir a can of paint was somewhat of a dildon't.

I piss awesomeness. Awesomeness burns, right?

Thanks a lot iPhone. You know damn well I meant to say 'cutie pie' and not 'cunty pig'.

Related: guess who's back on the market ladies!

She was ok with "Who's your daddy?" but I lost her at "I am your father." Once again Star Wars does a number on my sex life.

I need to stop smoking a cigarette after sex. It's turning into a pack-a-decade habit.

My love of sex is matched only by my inability to convince women to have it with me.

Hey iPhone, I dong wang to sound like a deck, but your auto-correct feature can suck my cake.

Mel Gibson must be so confused. Does he hate Chris Brown because he's black, or does he respect him for his woman-beating prowess?

I'm drunk and ready to get retarded! Wait, that's not politically correct. I'm soberly-challenged and ready to get retarded!

I hope to one day feel a fraction of the joy felt by a black woman whose name is called on The Price Is Right.

People wouldn't have to rejoice if they joiced properly the first time.

Mothers, on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being Easy and 10 being Super Easy), how difficult was childbirth?

I'm so homophobic I always make the dude wear a condom.

I'm drunk as fuck! But not too drunk to fuck. Ok, I'm too drunk to fuck. But not too drunk to tweet! Who wants to fuck?

Does anyone know if it's worth signing up for this sex offender registry? Will I learn any new moves or techniques?