Wrong grandma, I know about 700 people that DO like a smartass.

Is it "passive-aggressive" if I smear feces and rabbit blood all over that cheating whore's car, but then write "wash me" on it?

In the future we are going to look back and laugh when we had sex with people via text messages.

I bet lesbain pirates say stuff like: sisscor-me-timbers!

As many times as I jerked off in the shower, I'm surprised there aren't packs of wild babies running amok in the sewers

Hipsterpotamus = that fat trendy kid in tight jeans.

Ok strippers, the pole thing is gettin kind of old. Lets install some uneven bars or a pommel horse and see what kinda stuff you can do then

Got drunk. Accidently watched vintage porn.. Its like a nature video when a salmon jumps right into a bears mouth.

Next time I eat when I'm really drunk, I'm going to cut out the middle man and throw the food right in the toilet.

If you want to have sex with me all you have to do is take a number. Now serving.... number 1....sigh.

Fuck you spider in the shower. I don't care if you have 8 armpits to scrub, get out before you use all the hot water, I have a date.

I like rough sex, but quit pushing bookshelves in my way and throwing things at me!

You better not hand me a baby and say "take care of him" because when you get back I'll just reply "its taken care of"

Tell me that "Aliens Vs. To catch a Predator" wouldn't be the best movie ever.

Whenever I find a dollar in the dryer I wonder which sister of mine is a stripper now.

Sometimes I catch a spider, tie him up and waterboard him. Then I throw him outside so he can tell his friends not to fuck with me.

I've lowered my standards again, I would date a table with nice legs.

When I die I want to be covered in glitter and deep fried, like Snooki.

Regretfully, we cannot give you a Klondike Bar. We didn't think you would actually "strap two babies to your feet and run across lava"

My favorite thing about texting is answering a question someone asks you and then they dont respond the rest of the day.