Took my belt off to give my son a lesson in tough love but my pants fell & he's laughing so hard I can't get a hold of him. He won this time

I like tatertots #Oscars

You'd be surprised how much people are willing to help if you smile and ask nicely.

And give them a cute "beep" on the nose with your gun.

While I am my kid's dad and not their friend it would still be nice if one day they referred to me as "cool as fuck!"

How many people do you follow that only seem to say "thanks for the trophy"
Uh, trophy for what? What did you tweet that got you a trophy?

Be the best you can be at everything you do! Or don't.
Doesn't make a difference to me.

Just stay away from my french fries.

All I'm trying to say is a REAL Captain America would have a bigger gut, wear an Earnhardt 3 hat and have at least $20k in consumer debt.

A new bag of sugar is the perfect time to cut it open, dip a finger in for a taste and say "it's pure" to show your family your street cred.

I'm the last person you want to see in an emergency situation telling you it's all going to be okay because I can't keep a straight face.

My audioboo posts are going to be me trying to say something while my kid screams in the background "Who are you talking to? Can I say hi?"

I drunk posted nude pics of myself somewhere online and now it's up to you to find them and let me know where so I can delete them tomorrow.

If someone throws out an ouija board assume it was a mistake and sneak in their house that night to put it back on the table for them.

I hope I'm not the only person that gets holiday cards from liquor companies with every employee signature and personal notes of gratitude.

At times on Twitter it feels a little like road construction.
Only a few people are doing all the tweeting while the rest of us watch.

I'm a bad mother fucker with a hairy chest, brass balls and a kick ass car that is looking for a potty so I can tinkle.

I am thankful for all of you but if I see you at the store this weekend I'm knocking the shit out of you to get at what I want.

Sex was once considered the greatest invention until some jackass came along and sliced up some bread.

I can't believe people have to work on Thanksgivi... hold on I think I just heard my wife sit down for second...

My 5 year old son is disagreeing and arguing over every little thing.
He is going to be a good wife for some lucky person some day.

Those who think you shouldn't have a shot or two of something strong while watching the kids must have never watched any kids before.