Obesity is at large.

Not to brag or anything, but I totally just did all the music from Mario Bros. saying only 'deuche'.

Dear Facebook: Quit being like my mom and suggesting people to be friends with.

Apparently the card I bought for the Itty Bitty Titty Club doesn't give me permission to touch itty bitty titties.

If you use a rubber glove while masturbating it feels JUST LIKE a blow up doll.

My hands are like two brothers fighting for the same girl.

Someone hacked into my Facebook and fed my goat on Farmville.

I think webcam girls really like me seeing as I'm the only one getting a special deals on signing up for their exclusive one on one service.

I like to call random people's answering machines and say 'I know you're there bitch, pick up the fucking phone!'

I like my women like I like my hot pockets - Stuffed.

It's always confusing when a mechanic offers you a rim job.

I'm beginning to think Mr. Ed was fictional.

I always hated when I was little and my drunk mom thought my crib was the toilet.

I've been saving up money so that when I die William Shatner will come to my funeral and act out my entire life.

Twitter has made such an impact on my life, I don't even have conversations that are more than 140 words anymore.

Hey buddy, if you didn't want people complimenting your dog's dick maybe you shouldn't have taken him for a walk.

My girlfriend said I threaten her, I said 'no I don't and if you say that again I'll beat the shit out of you'.

Taking the kids swimming today. I'm talking about my sperm.

My dog always eats my puke after I throw up, so I thought I'd return the favor. Related: Don't eat your dog's vomit.

Swallowing sandpaper is like swallowing sandpaper.