Hahaha. Oh John @hodgman, you brilliant son of a bitch. pic.twitter.com/OmWIQaFgvE

@electrolemon it's somethin that ya need to have, cuz if ya leave that glass, there's gonna be a gash

@therealelp well obviously if a person doesn't make the particular kind of hip-hop I enjoy, I would hope he dies. That's normal.

@dammitbabies now I'm laughing at the idea of a khaki-clad white teacher referring to himself as the QZA while he passes out a surprise exam

@bro_pair it's mind blowing the speed with which this turned into "the onion actually really does think that adorable little girl is a cunt"

@jonnysun OHHHHHHHHHH. Now I get it. That was a journey.

@lawblob buzzfeed itself is one unending manual RT @buzzfeedandrew

I'm a nearly blind man with no interest in fashion and even I can tell Kristin Stewart is dressed like garbage.

@ders808 so many people responding "no that's the answer!" The kids today have no knowledge of the nuanced semantics of jeopardy.

@bassoonjokes Jerry saying "this is not your beautiful apartment. That is not your beautiful refrigerator."

@gab1g5 hey, you're not a damn dolphin

@electrolemon as long as he doesn't require major surgery it's fine

@pua_txt Christ this is like 2 steps from "shh, a human female in her natural habitat, don't spook it!"

@fuckshitman you wouldn't download a fuck shit man

@boring_as_heck "chief! There's been a break in the case!" "Goddamit! Get MelGibsonDerp on the phone!"

@nachosarah @christianmingle "let god find you a real fat dick today!"

@jennyjohnsonhi5 and apparently Timothy McVeigh is just a "staunch libertarian" with a "do-it-yourself attitude."

@jonwurster one of my old sales colleagues told all his clients, "well, you pay for what you get."

@thatbilloakley god it's depressing to think about the last time anyone invited Young MC to a high class luncheon

Siri, how many total pounds of pubic hair are removed nationwide every February 13th?