I thought I saw gang members in my neighborhood. Turns out it was just two deaf guys talking.

Please no #FF's with my name today. I can't handle the rejection of getting zero new followers...

Is it ok to use that medic-alert button when I get stuck on the toilet reading your tweets and my legs fall asleep?

I can't even screw up correctly. Last week while cleaning my gun, I accidentally stabbed myself...

Trying to stay quiet. My son just curled up on my chest and fell asleep. Can't believe he's going to be starting high school this fall…

Foreigners have trouble learning English because of things that mean
2 different things. Ex. "Allow me to push in your stool".

If you get pulled over doing 88 mph in a 65 zone and the cop asks where you are going in such a hurry, don't say, "1985". Doesn't work.

Well as much fun as I'm having sitting here reading your tweets while pooping, I probably should move into the bathroom.

Say what you will about manboobs, but you can score a shit ton of Mardi Gras beads without getting arrested.

My grandfather was ½ Cherokee. When he danced, it just got really cloudy...

My mail order bride arrived today. Looks like they forgot to poke holes in the box though. :(

Sat in a vinyl chair and made an unfortunate noise. Spent 5 minutes trying to recreate it. People now think I'm gassy and have ADD.

Armpit farting the 2nd movement of Beethoven's 7th Symphony did not impress the waitress at Village Inn. Next time I go with Tchaikovsky.

I think Twitter was invented because therapists were tired of people just looking for attention and recognition.

My neighbor pissed me off, so I saved my newspapers for 6 months and dumped them in his driveway when he went on vacation. He got robbed.

Today's my birthday so I totally didn't make my bed! I'm sure my mom will do it though.

So 44 is a cool age, right?

"Pressure" is trying to rub one out in an automatic car wash before the rinse cycle.

Does anyone have any ideas why my "Hugs for Drugs", no-questions-asked, swap program failed?

When life hands me lemons, I squeeze the juice into a shallow pan, use a knife to cut between my toes, then wade in it until I pass out.

I've stopped getting excited when I see signs that say, "Reduced Speed Ahead" because the cost of the meth is still the same regardless...