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When someone says, "I haven't seen you in forever," a fun response is, "I know, we're really not that good of friends"
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs
If you're behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Nightmare scenario: You start dating someone, and then, after deciding they're the one, you learn they say gracias to Chipotle employees
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don't think I can keep watching movies
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, "I'll keep that in mind" and walk off
Just to be safe when I get home to my dark apartment at night, I walk in the door, pause, and ask, "How did you find me"
Teens, here's a classic prank you can do that'll have everyone laughing: Yell from a moving car
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
It's time for Facebook to change "People You May Know" to "People You Definitely Know and Are Actively Avoiding"
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Here we are on our third date
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