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Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
If you're behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don't think I can keep watching movies
Teens, here's a classic prank you can do that'll have everyone laughing: Yell from a moving car
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Do you struggle with rational thinking and basic literacy? Let us know in the comments below
Olive Garden removed fries and milkshakes from their menu. It must hurt for the cook who brought those recipes back from Tuscany.
Lincoln should win for most likely DVD to be put on by substitute teachers
It's Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
"Body wash" sounds like what you would call soap if you'd recently suffered a traumatic brain injury
If anyone's interested, I'll be signing books today at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm until I'm removed by security.
Occasionally I like to stroll into a bank, pull a gun, shout "Everybody be cool!" and then hand out sunglasses and leather jackets.
If I'm walking and see a car at a red light, I wave until the person rolls their window down. Then I say, "You know, you can't park there"
If you're a waterfall without a secret cavern behind you, MAYBE DON'T WASTE MY TIME
I like to think that T.J. Maxx is what happens when Office Max takes off his tie and slips on a pair of shades.
I just heard a guy on his phone say, "Northwest, southwest, what's the difference," and I was like, umm, first of all, the turquoise jewelry
I love nachos. I wish more foods simulated digging through the garbage.
I was walking and saw a mouse but then it was just a leaf so I'm like....... Hello, wizard mouse