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When someone says, "I haven't seen you in forever," a fun response is, "I know, we're really not that good of friends"
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk
If you're behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don't think I can keep watching movies
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, "I'll keep that in mind" and walk off
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Teens, here's a classic prank you can do that'll have everyone laughing: Yell from a moving car
Just accidentally zoomed so far out of a Word document that I saw the birth of the universe
If you hit someone's parked car, leave a note. No need for a big explanation, just something simple as, "Next time it'll be worse"
Do you struggle with rational thinking and basic literacy? Let us know in the comments below
Restaurants that serve potato chips instead of fries with your hamburgers, the damage you are doing is real
Right now, I'm at work using the internet, but in my mind, I'm already at home, using the internet