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When someone says, "I haven't seen you in forever," a fun response is, "I know, we're really not that good of friends"
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
If you're behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, "I'll keep that in mind" and walk off
Just to be safe when I get home to my dark apartment at night, I walk in the door, pause, and ask, "How did you find me"
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don't think I can keep watching movies
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
It's time for Facebook to change "People You May Know" to "People You Definitely Know and Are Actively Avoiding"
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Teens, here's a classic prank you can do that'll have everyone laughing: Yell from a moving car
Just accidentally zoomed so far out of a Word document that I saw the birth of the universe
If you hit someone's parked car, leave a note. No need for a big explanation, just something simple as, "Next time it'll be worse"
Here we are on our third date
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