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When someone says, "I haven't seen you in forever," a fun response is, "I know, we're really not that good of friends"
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
If you're behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don't think I can keep watching movies
Teens, here's a classic prank you can do that'll have everyone laughing: Yell from a moving car
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Do you struggle with rational thinking and basic literacy? Let us know in the comments below
Olive Garden removed fries and milkshakes from their menu. It must hurt for the cook who brought those recipes back from Tuscany.
"Body wash" sounds like what you would call soap if you'd recently suffered a traumatic brain injury
It's Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Lincoln should win for most likely DVD to be put on by substitute teachers
If anyone's interested, I'll be signing books today at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm until I'm removed by security.
If I'm walking and see a car at a red light, I wave until the person rolls their window down. Then I say, "You know, you can't park there"
Occasionally I like to stroll into a bank, pull a gun, shout "Everybody be cool!" and then hand out sunglasses and leather jackets.
If you're a waterfall without a secret cavern behind you, MAYBE DON'T WASTE MY TIME
Pity her all you want, but there's no denying that Helen Keller must have slept like a rock
I like to think that T.J. Maxx is what happens when Office Max takes off his tie and slips on a pair of shades.