Are you clitting me? That's horriballs.

Fellas, this pizza ain't gonna eat itse- what the? How in the - what's the pizza doing!? I can't, I don't believe omg THIS IS WRONG *crying*

pig in a blanket, cow in a roll, hen in a salad, horse in a bowl.

When I'm around a woman I really like, I get butterflies and stick them under my shirt and roll around on the ground cuz they tickle!

I'll know it's my future wife when she does a backflip after I pretend uppercut her on the chin

I steal my internet from a presbyterian church

Writing on the fly is not easy because flies are very small and usually flying.

The secret to my delicious pancake batter mix? Staring languidly into its abyss for about 2 minutes.

Dance is a very very good medium, I love dancing but my style is sorta new agey so maybe you wouldt notice ,

"it's a fourth of DUBAI party" - the sound of a knife stabbing me in the ear

I didn't get as much done as I COULD have today. Yet, I treated myself to a muffin and a self-hug. Just felt right.

Star light, star bright,
first star I FUCK

I'm making queso fresco tonight but what i'm really making is a point: that my boss is a moron

snap chat that thang awww yeaah

One twerk means "yes", two twerks mean "no", three twerks mean "mayhaps"

Hey guys, word of advice: NEVER pass the dutchie on the right hand side. Trust me on this one.

Found myself talking to the potato salad section. Interaction w/ the middle-aged cashier was routine & distanced. All down hill from here.

do owls cry ? idgaf (jk, iDgaf

SARs on Mars got a ball da size of Milwaukee. My cuz got a walkie-talkie , she says, " hello TJ I bought sum tits only 5k" pass da Saki

I'm writing a book with the working title "The Last twitter crush". it's about a couple who fall in love on twitter just before ww3