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Only America would create Monopoly, a board game for all ages that teaches a business practice investigated by the justice department.
Pretty sure one of our TV meteorologists just spent seven minutes telling us he can't predict the weather.
As a matter of principle, I paid the pizza guy $23 in cash tonight to disprove the statement on the box: "our drivers carry less than $20."
When your iPhone dings 38 times during your lunch in a public place, and you don't silence it, there's a public execution for that.
Waking up with people on ladders outside your 3rd story window yields the shortest time between sweet dreams and DEAR GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING.
Look on the bright side. At least you don't make your living by photoshopping "eat mor chikin" shirts onto cows.
I'm already on page two of who will be mowed over in the parking lot after work.
Reminds me of the small brain implosion I had in elementary school when one of my teachers said to the class, "is there anyone not here?"
Early to rise, early to consume all the bacon before anyone else knows what's going down.
Jon Gosselin on Larry King.
Can't seem to find the "care" button on this remote. Maybe it's on the other one.
Driving in slow motion to increase gas mileage is way more fun when you make your own Six Million Dollar Man sound effects.
Steak might be the only pillar of human existence wherein “well done” means “shit awful.”
Dear neighbors doing jazzercise: your reputation called and kindly requests you shut your windows and blinds.
Please allow me to punch you in the face at your earliest convenience. Thanks.
Look at me, I'm eating my fingers. I write software in exchange for money and pills. A wide variety of bitches be hollering verily to get up on this.
