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NBC Commentator: “That is not actually Batman but a British folk hero known as Del Boy. Sort of like Robin Hood…” #closingceremony
I just gave Aretha Franklin a quick ring. She's never heard of Tulisa. #xfactor
I'm glad Attenborough didn't direct Finding Nemo. "The fish has lost his father. It will inevitably die." #frozenplanet
“He’s dreadful.” > “He should resign.” > “He’s resigned.” > “He’s principled.” > “He was hounded out.” Oh Twitter, you run like clockwork.
Tomorrow's Sun headline: CONFUSED OLD MAN HARASSED BY EXPENSE CHEATS #hackgate
"Do you have children, sir?" "No but I'm Eddie Redmayne, I can impregnate women with just a smoldering look." #birdsong
That “Richard and Judy picture” is the Twitter equivalent of The Ring. We’re all going to die now.
To replicate Heaton Park, I have paid over the odds for a hot dog and hired a tramp to sing the entirety of The Stone Roses off key.
I appreciate the warnings about strobe lighting but could the BBC also let us know when Fearne Cotton is about to appear again?
All I know is that none of this phone hacking malarkey would have happened if Hugh Grant was still Prime Minister #bbcqt #nogriponreality
Pippa Middleton is now a“Contributing Editor” at Vanity Fair. I’m appointing myself Head Unicorn at What’s The Bloody Point? magazine.
FACT: Louise Mensch can dislocate her jaw to consume mice whole #bbcqt
While you're distracted with the #royalwedding, Cameron has sold the NHS to the Chinese and Osborne has declared himself Emperor of the Moon
My favourite Guardian correction of the year: "The group Frightened Rabbi should have been the Scottish band Frightened Rabbit"
"Hello, I'm Emma Boon from the Tax Payer's Alliance. I speak for ordinary tax payers…who read the Express and hate humanity." #bbcqt
Harry M is practicing the look he'll give the Opposition in 20 years time when they disagree with his idea to tax oxygen #apprentice