I need a coffee now. By 'coffee' I mean whiskey. By 'I need' I mean I've been drinking since 11. By 'now' I mean don't judge me

The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend! Another fun way is to drop an old stove on him from a helicopter.

Women complain about men using them for sex, but sex is great! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield

Every 3 seconds, a girl with a pink mobile phone case uses the wrong "your".

If you are feeling depressed first ask yourself if you might be sober. I find the symptoms are very much the same.

Would just once like to see a realistic tampon commercial,with the actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers in her mouth

Wesley Sneijder at Holland training - Delightful! http://t.co/LhGzpBwa via @youtube

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And vampire pandas. And running out of beer. And vampire pandas stealing our beer.

Closing all the Internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.

If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and fall asleep while watching you get murdered with a rake.

Finding £5 you didnt know you had is fantastic til you realise you're 33 it's 2012 & £5 wont even buy enough petrol to drive you off a cliff

Dance like nobody's watching. But dance brilliantly, just in case somebody actually IS watching. And judging you. For being a shit dancer.

"I'm such a dirty, dirty girl" sounds a lot better than "I'm too lazy to shower"

Hint for parents of small children - we only really need to see one photo

I'm glad I drink because it would be really boring if all my stories ended with, "...then I went home early and didn't embarrass myself."

I would walk 500 miles but I wouldn't walk 500 more because frankly, if the first 500 didn't impress you, you can fuck off

My 6-year-old son asked me if boys can marry boys. Told him yes, he was cool with it and then he went to go play. Not hard, folks.

Why do they call them shark-infested waters? That's where they live. They aren't infesting them. We don't call them people-infested houses

Perfect day to take the family to the park, throw the frisbee around, have a beer, wander off, move to a different town, never call...

This is how Euro 2012 will end. http://t.co/K1S7DS37