From the looks of Twitter, all you girls love blowjobs. Where the fuck were you before I married Princess Lockjaw?

My wife misunderstood me when I said I wanted anal sex. Ouch...can you pass the ice?

My foreskin keeps getting caught in my shoelaces.

I shaved my balls for this?!?

Am I supposed to wake my wife up before or after I blow a load on her face? Time sensitive question...

I was walking past a girl that was eating a banana...I winked and told her, "nice work."

I don't always cum on my wife when she's sleeping...but when I do, I make sure to "not know" what the crust on her face is in the morning.

It's really hard to use a crazy straw for felching.

Really horny today. I'll probably have to wait until she falls asleep and jerk off on her back.

She's PMS'ng but I'm the asshole?

Steak and blowjob day? My wife is a vegan with TMJ. Great fucking day for me...

My neighbors should really practice safe sex. I could see through their bedroom window he wasn't wearing a condom.

The bigger the NY Yankee decal on your car is a direct correlation to how big of an asshole you are.

What age am I supposed to install the stripper pole in my daughter's room? She's 8...should I wait or let her practice now?

Sometimes you're the dildo, sometimes you're the asshole.

Twitter is exactly the type of people I wish I hung out with instead of the lame douchebags in my real life.

I wish my uncle would take better care of himself and start dieting. His jizz hasn't tasted good in a few months.

It pisses me off when I see totally able bodies people ride up on motorized scooters and walk fine.

I'm so horny today after not being blown I could fuck a chubby girl's backfat roll.

It's like that guy didn't even want to chat next to me in the bathroom toilet. Whatever.