If you're sad on Valentine's day, don't forget: Everyone thinks you're an asshole and doesnt love you every other day of the year also.

I don't always cum on my wife when she's sleeping...but when I do, I make sure to "not know" what the crust on her face is in the morning.

Is it bad that I don't really give a shit my stomach is starting to hang over my pants? I want to work out, but the thought quickly fades.

I always think everyone is a douchebag at work, except for me.

You're right, i should have told her. But, in my defense it was a good blow job and I didn't think it would shoot out her nose when I came.

Is it weird to try and count the pieces of corn in your shit after it comes out to make sure none are left behind?

@shatterpants @brownpoopypants not quite, but hilarious stuff

I suddenly developed anal glaucoma last night. I couldnt see my ass going to work today.

I woke up with the dog licking my balls...and I didn't push it away. Is that so wrong?

My dog just had the most horrendous smelling fart just as I was yawning...in the interest of full disclosure

What kind of outlet do I need again for this butt plug? Wait, what?

My neighbors should really practice safe sex. I could see through their bedroom window he wasn't wearing a condom.

@nickadoola You, my friend, are fucking hysterical. I couldn't breathe for a bit reading your stuff.

Does IKEA sell glory hole units?

@fakesnarkyone Too soon? Bwahahahaha

Am I supposed to wake my wife up before or after I blow a load on her face? Time sensitive question...

I wish my uncle would take better care of himself and start dieting. His jizz hasn't tasted good in a few months.

How long should I keep wearing this condom to make sure it works?

It pisses me off when I see totally able bodies people ride up on motorized scooters and walk fine.

@kuntspeak wow...