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I wonder how many batteries will die in chicks vibrators tonight after the John Mayer concert I just saw.
You know your waitress is cool at dinner when she notices your dried jizz on your GF's cheek from before dinner, and she cleaned it.
In hindsight, maybe saying "take it all baby" was a bit rude as you ate the banana...but in my defense you looked low on potassium
So I thought it was a joke most twitter girls like BJ's and anal. Shit, I hope that was a girl. Girls pee standing up too, right? Hello?
Coworker: How was your lunch?
Me: My GF came home and I fucked her ass for about 20 minutes and finished off on her face. You?
CW um, burger
Ok, yes I was masturbating. But, in fairness you're partially to blame for inviting me to your kids birthday party.
If you're sad on Valentine's day, don't forget: Everyone thinks you're an asshole and doesnt love you every other day of the year also.
I don't always cum on my wife when she's sleeping...but when I do, I make sure to "not know" what the crust on her face is in the morning.
Is it bad that I don't really give a shit my stomach is starting to hang over my pants? I want to work out, but the thought quickly fades.
I always think everyone is a douchebag at work, except for me.
You're right, i should have told her. But, in my defense it was a good blow job and I didn't think it would shoot out her nose when I came.
Is it weird to try and count the pieces of corn in your shit after it comes out to make sure none are left behind?
I suddenly developed anal glaucoma last night. I couldnt see my ass going to work today.
I woke up with the dog licking my balls...and I didn't push it away. Is that so wrong?
My dog just had the most horrendous smelling fart just as I was yawning...in the interest of full disclosure
What kind of outlet do I need again for this butt plug? Wait, what?