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Tip: Be an actual father to your kids instead of trashing your ex when she raised them all on her own without your help.
What do you call it when your GF's ex husband and new wife stalk your GF's twitter for info? I call it a fucking classless and dick move.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it's drivers license isn't valid.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it doesn't know who it's daddy is.
Why don't they have a Nagasaki or a Hiroshima roll at my sushi place? Man, that would be the bomb.
My GF has no sense of humor. I held her head down as I came just to see if jizz would fly out of her nose. AS A JOKE...P.S....it didn't
I made the mistake of smelling my finger after scratching my balls this morning...woke up on the floor with the dog licking my face
Fuck, how much alcohol and shit do I buy? It's Monday and my bank balance is negative $76...it's fucking Monday people!! FML
I wonder how many batteries will die in chicks vibrators tonight after the John Mayer concert I just saw.
I came so much last night the final orgasm was just a white flag shooting out surrendering defeat
You know your waitress is cool at dinner when she notices your dried jizz on your GF's cheek from before dinner, and she cleaned it.
In hindsight, maybe saying "take it all baby" was a bit rude as you ate the banana...but in my defense you looked low on potassium
So I thought it was a joke most twitter girls like BJ's and anal. Shit, I hope that was a girl. Girls pee standing up too, right? Hello?
Coworker: How was your lunch?
Me: My GF came home and I fucked her ass for about 20 minutes and finished off on her face. You?
CW um, burger
Ok, yes I was masturbating. But, in fairness you're partially to blame for inviting me to your kids birthday party.