Why is a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for perverts.

My friend is now engaged to the first and only girl he ever fucked. Thats like your first drink of soda being "Tab" and saying,"Im good"

I hate when people tell me a book is a real page turner, I know how books work.

The inventor of Mad Libs died today. He was Eighty Poop years old.

I don't know what India's flag looks like, all I know is they should trade with Japan.

They say chicks dig scars, but try telling that to the last six women I've stabbed.

Hey Vegans, stop giving me shit about eating meat and I'll stop making fun of your leather shoes.

My friend's text reads, "at fucking school."Either he is upset that he's at class or currently enrolled in the greatest school of all time.

Why does the "lol" symbol look like a drowning guy, with his head and arms sticking out of the water? I bet he's not laughing out loud

I get the fascination with vodka now, because it mixes with everything right?! I'm mixing it with an empty glass.

I was up all night creating 70 of my 74 followers in order to give my tweets tons of stars. Only managed 14 stars. Im just not that funny.

A chick just told me I'm so hot she'd rape me. Not sure if I should be scared or if I have a new lucky going-out shirt.

Some old guy I was talking to at the store asked me if I was a smart feller, or a fart smeller. It was so funny I raped him.

Me: Honey, how long has the check engine light been on?
My Wife: Two weeks. Its ok though, I popped the hood, its still there.

Dreads on white people are just long, stinky, attention getting flags letting the rest of us know you're a fan of shitty music.

Trying to hide Twitter from my family is harder than finding a place to hide pot from them in my room in highschool.

Just heard a 300lb woman who I'm sure starred in "people of Walmart" describe fireworks to her child as "them's like tv for the sky!"

They say you should only trust people as far as you can throw them. Turns out I trust babies A LOT!

Assface in bathroom: Where we come from, we wash our hands after we piss. Me: where I'm from we don't piss on our hands.

Im so drunk Im afraid to blow the candles out. My breath might start the drapes on fire. Fuck it. I hate these drapes anyway.