Pre-iOS 5 tip - encrypt your iPhone/iPad/iPod backup before installing iOS 5. That way you won't have to reenter email or network passwords.

The lines to get beer are as long as the lines to get rid of beer.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Who would have thought an entire Smart car could fit in your blind spot?

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

If I was a footlong I would charge more than $5

Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.

Best diet ever - eat as much of anything as you want. Just drink 8 glasses of water per day - from Guadalajara, Mexico.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

Scientifically, most body cells are replaced completely in seven years but, legally, you're still married.

I still haven't figured out why she likes to lay under the Christmas tree. pic.twitter.com/BsuEWxRp

http://whatthefuckhasobamadonesofar.com/

Wife has been gone for 2 days. How much longer till we put a pig head on a stick to scare intruders?

First spam of the day has suject of "Girl Buttlickers". I guess the day can only go up from here.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

You'de think deer would evolve to recognize the color orange as dangerous.

Random Internet Quote:

“If you watch Cinderella backwards, it’s a film about a woman who learns her place”

Where do the folks on Hoarders find a place to make more children?

Old people aren't drivers, they're obstacles.

If IQ tests had a driving portion, most people would score in the mentally challenged range.