Survival Tip: Just about anything will stop attacking you if you start sucking it's dick.

Listening to Rage Against the Machine. Starting to get really fucking pissed about that $1.50 ATM fee I paid a couple weeks ago.

Some mornings I want to hug and high-5 every kid at my son's daycare, and some mornings I'm sober when I drop him off.

Toddler discarded the lid from his yogurt without licking it first, like we're fucking made of money.

"Wait. Should somebody be writing this shit down?"

- Jesus Christ, October 17, 22 AD.

"Anyway, thank God we have that cat" - The end of no story, ever.

My newest acute rectal itch is exactly 3/4 of a Honda car key deep.

This crib says assembly requires TWO people. I don't have any friends, so I'm drinking a 6-pack and waiting for drunk me to show up & help.

Things have really turned around for me since I re-named my penis and testicles "JD Power and Associates".

It's Thursday night and we're gonna sit at the dinner table and look at our phones like a god damn family!

Wife peed with the bathroom door open and I got a first-hand look at how much toilet paper she uses for that. I'm numb with rage.

I swear you can't swing a dead midget in this town without everyone asking you where you got the dead midget from.

Farted the first 3 notes to reveille this morning before I messed myself. That number takes a LOT of control.

Fact: A tearful blowjob is better than no blowjob.

It's et cetera, not "ecsetra" you fucking dipshit.

When I close my eyes my toddler sounds like a Chinese guy yelling about a car accident.

ALL RIGHT EVERYBODY SHUT UP Daddy's trying to watch VH1 Classic and remember what it was like to have his whole life ahead of him.

Everyone on this bus either smells like balls, or balls that have cologne on them.

I always hug my kids before I leave the house because any of these liquor store trips can be the one where I just decide to keep on driving.

Be sure to tip that stripper with the C-section scar a little extra today.