Survival Tip: Just about anything will stop attacking you if you start sucking it's dick.

Some mornings I want to hug and high-5 every kid at my son's daycare, and some mornings I'm sober when I drop him off.

"Wait. Should somebody be writing this shit down?"

- Jesus Christ, October 17, 22 AD.

Toddler discarded the lid from his yogurt without licking it first, like we're fucking made of money.

My newest acute rectal itch is exactly 3/4 of a Honda car key deep.

"Anyway, thank God we have that cat" - The end of no story, ever.

This crib says assembly requires TWO people. I don't have any friends, so I'm drinking a 6-pack and waiting for drunk me to show up & help.

I swear you can't swing a dead midget in this town without everyone asking you where you got the dead midget from.

Farted the first 3 notes to reveille this morning before I messed myself. That number takes a LOT of control.

Things have really turned around for me since I re-named my penis and testicles "JD Power and Associates".

Fact: A tearful blowjob is better than no blowjob.

It's Thursday night and we're gonna sit at the dinner table and look at our phones like a god damn family!

It's et cetera, not "ecsetra" you fucking dipshit.

Wife peed with the bathroom door open and I got a first-hand look at how much toilet paper she uses for that. I'm numb with rage.

Be sure to tip that stripper with the C-section scar a little extra today.

Everyone on this bus either smells like balls, or balls that have cologne on them.

Dude check it out. If you put this vagina up to your ear you can totally smell the ocean!

When I close my eyes my toddler sounds like a Chinese guy yelling about a car accident.

Does anyone know how to get magic marker off your penis? Used Sharpie instead of dry erase by mistake. Actually it's smiling. Just leave it.

Allright fine! We'll do it doggie style so we can both watch According to Jim.