@btemps' most faved Tweets...
Farted the first 3 notes to reveille this morning before I messed myself. That number takes a LOT of control.
This crib says assembly requires TWO people. I don't have any friends, so I'm drinking a 6-pack and waiting for drunk me to show up & help.
I swear you can't swing a dead midget in this town without everyone asking you where you got the dead midget from.
Does anyone know how to get magic marker off your penis? Used Sharpie instead of dry erase by mistake. Actually it's smiling. Just leave it.
Just emailed my boss’ boss that “we need to get our dicks in a row”. Thank you, asshole who put the u right next to the i.
Pro tip: your pregnant wife will not find it nearly as amusing as you do when you refer to her breast leakage as "tit piss".
As someone who's taken a couple court-ordered unlawful harassment classes let me tell you. Sexual jokes in the workplace better be funny.
I'm in a suit looking all serious & businessy on a train. People around me would never suspect I'm tweeting about my balls right now.
16
The tagline for the Trojan Ecstasy condoms ad is: "Feels like there's nothing there!"
Wait for it...
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!!!!!
Wait for it...
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!!!!!
16
Wife: "Theres no way you're wearing that Lucha Libre mask all day." I do believe I have been issued a challenge. Off to Wal Mart.
15
My fortune cookie: "You will die cold and lonely in a puddle if your own urine." Adding "in bed" to the end was of little help.
15
You know how your cat's butthole looks like a little banana chip? Well it doesn't taste like one, no matter how drunk you are.
14
You know how you're at an airshow & there's a small part of you that wants to see a fiery mid-air collision? REALLY?
WTF is wrong with you?
WTF is wrong with you?
13
I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure if my BM is pitch black, smells like gasoline and has a condom in it, that's healthy...right?
13
Tip: To have your favorites shown faster, follow @favstar