There's no i in "team." Or "orgasm." Or "sex." Or "beer." Or "sports." Or "porn." The letter i is kind of a buzzkill. Fuck the letter i.

In my years of marriage, I've learned one thing: When arguing with my wife, if I am armed with only facts and logic, I'm completely fucked.

Joe Biden's having a scotch right now while Paul Ryan's mom is putting his "debate participation" certificate on the refrigerator. #vpdebate

If young boys could get pregnant, the Catholic Church would have a TOTALLY different view on birth control.

If we put pictures of lost kids on beer cans instead of milk cartons, we'd find them in about 15 minutes.

A smoker at work can "step out for a smoke" every 20 minutes but if I say "I'm going to go outside and just stand there" I'm a bad employee.

I'm expected to buy condoms without trying them on? No, Walgreens. YOU'RE banned for life.

If you are a woman talking to me about your cat and I'm still listening after 30 seconds, consider yourself fucking gorgeous.

Romney's immigration plan is going door to door with a Benjamin Moore Paint sample. If you're darker than Burnt Sienna, you're gone. #debate

The English language is being degraded by slang and this troubles me. Except the phrase, "All up in this bitch." I think that's a keeper.

If Mitt Romney really loved America, he'd run for President of India and ship jobs here.

Outed by Donald Trump for considering divorce. It's like being accused of drug abuse by Rush Limbaugh. Or mental instability by Ann Coulter.

Girls with huge boobs will never know if they're really interesting.

If someone says they're running a half-marathon, I say,"That will be quite a half-accomplishment." Then I offer them a high two and a half.

It's summer. It's hot where you are. I understand and empathize. Try to stay in the shade and drink plenty of shut-the-fuck-up-about-it.

You kids today with your internet porn. In my day we had MTV. If Van Halen's Hot for Teacher came on, we had 3 minutes to make magic happen.

The first sign that this wasn't going to be a smooth prostate exam was when doctor asked me what my safe word is.

I do most of my parenting on Facebook. My kids post that they're smoking pot and having unprotected sex and I reply with a sad emoticon :-(.

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

The world economy in a nutshell: In LA, a woman thinks her shirt makes her nipples look amazing. In China, a girl is learning physics.