Once a lady in a bar yelled "Anyone know CPR?". I said "I know the WHOLE alphabet" & everyone laughed except one guy..

Seriously, learn CPR

Eating fish sticks in front of my aquarium so everyone is crystal clear on who the boss is around here.

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

I want you to feel like you can tell me anything but not actually do that.

Just signed a $320,000, nine-year deal with my therapist.

Got my hair cut for Conan tonight. Can only describe the style as "Trish's last day at Supercuts."

I was informed this morning that the 'Lost and Found' box in my bedroom is a turn-off.

I like to show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

For 350,000 dollars a week I wouldn't even have a problem being on a show called Two and a Half Abortions.

Sometimes I get sad when I think about how history will probably mark us as the generation it became OK for men to wear backpacks to work.

The comcast guy starts to die in your apartment. You call 911 and tell them to get there between noon and 2pm.

I'm against protesting but I don't know how to show it

Obama says he was "too polite" during the debate, kind of like Bill Buckner was "too polite" during the '86 World Series.

This debate is making my body shut down like a woman who is being legitimately raped. #debate #romney

Did you know that 1 in 3 accidents could be avoided if I just stopped trying to mime to other drivers that I agree with their bumper sticker

Not sure why these professional tennis matches always have a lifeguard on duty.

I like to drink alone so I don't get pregnant.

"LOL. People keep unfollowing me because they think I'm offensive." -Someone who keeps getting unfollowed because they're boring

Aren't the people railing against Obamacare on Facebook the same ones always asking me for stuff on Farmville?

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from "Leader of North Korea" to "Supreme Leader of North Korea" by adding sour cream and extra cheese.