I'd like to work for a pharmaceutical company so I could help people by not quite curing them. Almost. But not quite.

Um. Don't make people sad.

Inspirational tweet.

Nailed it.

In an effort to cut military spending, Navy SEALs will now only be taught seven ways to kill a guy with their thumb instead of eleven.

The Carnival Cruise Lines CEO hates the "It has been zero days since our last crippling engine fire" sign in the lobby.

If I were a guy pretending to be a woman on Twitter, I'd have "vixen" in my name and a picture of some huge boobs. Just saying.

Kim & Kanye's baby will be under a lot of pressure. It's hard enough to be a newborn without also being the smartest person in your family.

When children shy away, I say, "I don't bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life's not easy.

After gay marriage is legal, everyone on Facebook will have red division signs on their profiles in support of gay divorce.

I don't have a "can do" attitude and "can't do" sounds so defeatist so I say I have a "can don't" attitude. Glass half full, people.

I used think I thought of baseball stats during sex so it would last longer. Now I realize I do it because I really, really like baseball.

I got my Grandma a box of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes for Christmas and told her it was a jigsaw puzzle of a tiger. That should keep her busy.

Mom gave me a copy of the Fox News Celebrity Cookbook. I didn't want to like it but the Rush Limbaugh Chicken Fried Vicodin was delicious.

Sometimes, telling every chubby older Black woman I meet she looks like Oprah Winfrey feels weird but I'm an unapologetic people pleaser.

For a guy who's been pronounced dead 47 times by the National Enquirer, Michael Douglas looks pretty good. #oscars2013

I manscaped for the first time in a while so I donated to Locks of Love. Somewhere, a dude who looks like Art Garfunkel owes me a thank you.

Opinions are like assholes: I don't care about yours unless you're an attractive woman with low standards.

I'm expected to buy condoms without trying them on? No, Walgreens. YOU'RE banned for life.

I'm trying to watch American Idol but all I can think of is feeding Nicki Minaj through a wood chipper and making some awesome confetti.

Ten wrongs make a right. You have to trust it and stick with it. If you give up after three of four wrongs, you only have yourself to blame.

Since I can't fully demonstrate my commitment to majestic eagles holding roses in their talons through my words and actions, I got a tattoo.