Of course I want cheese on that you dumb motherfucker.

Blow me like a welfare check.

I may have a foul mouth and a dirty mind but I have a good heart so fuck you.

What's all this talk of 50 star tweets? I thought it only went up to 3.

Hey ladies, if you get a dick pic from a Canadian remember to add an inch because it’s cold up here.

I’m saving myself for divorce.

I’m a bad motherfucker until someone hands me a puppy.

I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shit and not sleep with me? It might help.

My home phone just rang! Thought it was the smoke detector and bailed!

I'll premature ejaculate to prove how hot you look tonight.

Read the tweet. If it makes you laugh, the avi and follower count shouldn’t matter.

I’d finger you at a funeral.

Don’t get your haircut at PetSmart. Those assholes got me looking like a goddamn Bijon Frise. They brushed my teeth though.

I use rubber gloves to tweet so they can’t track this shit back to me.

Turns out my Twitter crush was my wife and I’d been sending her dick pics like some kinda asshole.

If you’re gonna harass someone you may as well make it sexual. Go big or go home.

Does this ‘99 Kia Sephia make me look divorced?

I started jerking off last night at 2am and finished at 1:02am.

"Did you cum in me lately?" is not the greatest question to hear from a girl puking in the morning.

I have a body like a diabetic pear.