My favorite thing about Ed Wood was that a pseudonym of his was Akdov Telmig, which is Vodka Gimlet backwards.

Respecting a women. #NotOKCupid pic.twitter.com/9CnKRE8N

"I like old country music", is the new, "I like all music, except country."

I'm going to start calling masturbating "private browsing"

somebody make me an avocado that looks like christopher walken with the caption "CHRISTOPHER GUAKEN"

Even the peace loving hippies who make the COEXIST bumper stickers don't believe in Scientology.

Richard Ramirez dies the same day @prodigalsam quits twitter, coincidence?

Now accepting applications for big spoon for rightnow (is 2nd base implied with spoons?). It's a no pants party! http://t.co/LIQbaodz

Dear @peteholmes, Please have @puddinstrip on #YMIW. Cordially, Zoey.

If this was a "legitimate hurricane", your houses would have found a way to shut it down so nothing bad happened. YOUR DWELLING WANTED IT.

Hey guys I just got a call from the Universe: we reached the limit for podcasts. No more new ones, sorry!

Wanna be on my podcast? #ThingsComicsSayToEachother

Wait so Dove makes chocolate and soap? Okay that makes perfect sense.

27 years old and crying from laughter about salami. pic.twitter.com/N5TN8Hct

Hi there. You know you're creeping twitter by just reading. Throw some ⭐ on a tweet or two, it's not like you're paying per favorite. #AreWe

Channing Tatum looks like he is a Weimaraner whose owner wished him into being a real boy.

In the middle of playing with Taco I fell over with my eyes open and pretended to be dead. He looked at me, barked twice, then walked off.

I've seen so many pictures of the @gosuperego guys faces on other bodies that now real pictures of them seem fake.

Super hot model aka Zoey doesn't brush her hair pic.twitter.com/D0mzLxUaXB

#C4fknL