"The best place to hide a dead body is page 2 of Google search results."

I may be schizophrenic
but atleast I have eachother.

I love when I'm awake Egyptians are awake. And when I have to sleep Egyptians are awake. And when I wake up they're still awake.

I treat people good and expect the same treatment back, fuck me right?

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they're placed around your throat she's probably slightly upset.

Twitter is a place where we understand exactly how a person feels but could never put it into words ourselves.

Books: Weapons of mass instruction.

If she celebrates your 1 week anniversary.

Run to the hills, run for your liiiiiffffeeeee.

I wish I had Dora's parents, they let that bitch go everywhere.

S[he’s] br[ok]en? How about [go] [fuck] [yourself]?

No, the right way to keep something precious is to kill it and pin it to a board.

Then you'll have it forever. ♥

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sandwich.

The biggest disappointment of all time is the fact that you can't tickle yourself.

A chin within a chin? That's not a double chin. That's Chinception

I hate realizing I typo'd 10 minutes afte the tweet.

Never trust the living.

"My memory is real bad." "How bad?" "How bad is what?"

Woody does it better http://t.co/g6Og6XmL

Were you born a bitch or did you also get that fucked into you?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing?