Dear friends, I am pleased to get in touch with you through Twitter. Thank you for your generous response. I bless all of you from my heart.

I changed my name to Nicole Brown Simpson because I get murdered by "The Juice" every weekend.

Don't worry, it's funny to gambling addicts

Everything I tweet is serious & never, ever, ever sarcastic.


Idiot.

It's not my fault the kids I sell drugs to have bad parents.

One day we'll open Twitter & it'll just say:

Thanks for playing! Hope you enjoyed this social experiment. Now apologise to your loved ones.

“Murdered” is such a strong word. I prefer “whoops”.

When I was a kid. I used to come home drunk & beat my Dad.

If Bruce Willis doesn't whisper "Yippy ki-yay, motherfucker" into a chick's ear right before he cums, he isn't as cool as I thought he was.

I've won tons of free stuff by putting it in my pockets.

Sean Connery's dog must get so confused when he yells for it to sit...

I'm not high maintenance, I just need a guy to swirl his tongue in a counter clockwise direction while fingering me at a 37.5 degree angle.

I’ll start following the rules the day they make one I fucking like.

Say what you want about crackheads, they're hard workers. This dude raked the leaves off my entire yard with a fork in 12 mins.

Sorry, I'm really bad with names when I don't care.

Whats the largest amount of Vaseline and carrots you can get in a grocery store without looking weird?

5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette.

When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch.

If you can't win an argument, correct their grammar.

I'm a lady on the streets and a HUGE skank in the ally behind Subway.

If you flirt with me, I'm going to expect you to put out.