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I've seen things you wouldn't believe. Movie rental stores. Payphones. I once used a paper map. All of it lost in time, like tears in rain.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
What doesn't kill you makes whatever was trying to kill you want to try even harder.
If someone asks you for a favor, say "Sure. Ain't no thang. Ain't. No. Thaaang. Ain't no thang." They'll be like "uh forget it."
If I want to be labeled "crazy" I have to literally kill a human being. All a girl's required to do is be straightforward with her feelings.
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Fuck like an immortal jellyfish. Die like a garden slug. Really only look to nature for guidance.
The greatest joy in being single and living alone is you can sleep around. You can sleep on the couch, or in the bathtub. No one is judging.
Keep a tube of M&M Minis in your medicine cabinet next to the prescription pill bottles, to help lighten the mood.
The one thing I dislike about babies is how some of them grow up to spread fear and hate and not believe in science. It's like, stay babies.
Have you ever looked at a clock in a dream? Don’t. They are not accurate. Also sometimes they’re letters so your clock could say, FU:CK.
Stop being a shell of your former self. Start being a cocoon for your future self. Because one day you'll emerge a beautiful skeleton.
Stress? Anxiety? Depression? It builds character. Soak it up. Soak it ALL up, you joyless sponge.
"This fucking guy..." I mutter to myself. Like clockwork. Haven't run out of dudes to use it on. The world's a "this fucking guy" factory.
You produce up to ten ounces of tears a day. Twenty-five to thirty gallons every year. You don’t need all that. Release them salty bad boys.
An advanced civilization will discover your fossils and your skeleton will be on display in a museum, and no one will know how fat you were.
It's 2048. Grandson asks what we did before we made every thought public online. "We sorta kept it all bottled up," I sigh. "It was better."
HOW WEIRD ARE WE? Bunch'a pissing shitting talking fleshy beasts trying to earn currency and smack glands. STRINGS growing from our scalps.
They can shave swastikas or dicks into my head and still the worst part of a haircut would be having to sit and stare at myself in a mirror.
God, I’m SO Matthew McConaughey from Dazed and Confused. But apply his philosophy to laser tag. I get older, my opponents stay the same age.
Had that dream again where everyone is a centaur and we think horses are weird.