Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Just started smoking cold turkey.
My phone doesn't ring all fuckin day. But as soon as I start jackin off, guess who's Mr. Popular.
Is there an app that recognizes when you're in a car crash then calls for help and deletes your browser history?
Call me an optimist, but when a fancy lady greets me with a kiss on the cheek, I assume she wants anal.
Gangsters turn their dick sideways when they jack off.
I've been driving for two hours now and don't remember any of it. Thanks, twitter. And sorry, cat.
I have an open marriage. Just don't tell my wife k thanks.
Nothing makes me feel like more of a glutton than when the waiter at Olive Garden has to take a break while grating cheese onto my plate.
You had me at "I can't remember how many abortions I've had."
I wonder how many times that dancing sign guy on the corner has tried to cut his wrists with that cardboard pizza hut sign.
At least I'll never have to worry about haveing a typo on the leaderboard.
I bet robot sex smells a lot like turning on a dusty baseboard heater.
I accidentally liked a "My Nanna died last night" status update on FB. Had to make up a story of how she was a closet racist.
Happy Mother's Day, liar! Did you guys know there isn't any more nutrition in the crust than the bread itself?
I was going to watch the women's World Cup but then I found this springy door stop thing on the wall.
Just met a guy named Duane Cook. He's not very funny either.
If youre afraid of horses I would not time travel to the 1800s. I also would not recommend it if youre black.
Old people + ice = always funny
Boohoo girls. At least you don't have to move your dick to the side to see the log you just dropped in the bowl like we do.
Enough with the "Enough with the Charlie Sheen tweets already" tweets already.