I don't think the waitress properly appreciated the penmanship of my air signature as I signaled for the check. This'll be noted in the tip.

I always wondered where my nasty streak came from and then I saw the "WEEDS WILL BE PUNISHED" sign in my mom's garden.

If your Avi doesn't have an 80's perm and a cat, then you are doing it wrong.

@bwhacker 'doosher' could be dasher, dosh, posher, dosser, dowser, josher, kosher, nosher, douche, dossier, moocher or Fisher.

Me deciding whether to take a dump or go back to class is my Brown vs. Bored of Education.

The throat slash gesture was banned in the NFL but I'm ahead of the game when I use it after a race to the register with the shortest line.

You've heard it a million times but it bears repeating: "He who has the biggest nipples gets to select their midget first"

Just found out I'm gay. It just hurts that I had to hear it from some kid playing Halo.

Hehe is haha's unemployed kid-touching cousin.

You probably shouldn't make any major life decisions immediately after blowing up a raft.

Unreleased Anthony Weiner photo from Breitbart's phone. http://twitpic.com/58p33h

We all have things we wished we had the courage to say in the past but never did. Well, I'm gonna say it. Brainy Smurf was a real asshole.

I like how they leave all that extra room in condoms so you can cover your balls too... Right guys...

I have a new book out today.

Cereal: Snap, Crackle, Pop Culture

All the relevant info here:

http://t.co/YvZcLhc

Thanks

'I shoot my load, it lands with a splatter. I cover her bum with my baby batter' -rap my husband just freestyled, while being white.

Stupid judgmental car. I put on a few pounds and it starts flashing the "ABS" light on me.

Everyday I pick a tweet I hate and I star and RT it. Cause I'm an asshole.

The best thing about my tv in the bathroom, is watching the game while I poo. The worst thing is when they score and I jump up to cheer...

Pro tip: If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbull terrier, gently singing "The Circle of Life" into her ear WON'T cheer her up

@bwhacker Congrats on your 100★ tweet! http://favstar.fm/t/30405559052148737