Taken individually, some tweets are really appalling. But taken as a whole body of work, they comprise an impressive collage of dementia.

You’re probably a weirdo. And I’ll probably let you sit with me anyway because I am also a weirdo and all we have is each other.

New Yorkers are the world champions of pretending nothing crazy is happening right in front of them.

Nothing like seeing a crackhead on the train with a bunch of presents and a balloon that says “I’m Sorry.”

If you pronounce "espresso" as "expresso," don't even talk to me.

Fuck all you naysayers. Love is real. If you don't feel it, that's your problem.

I'll bet people with photographic memories stay the hell away from twitter.

Never underestimate a truly insane person.

Is it weird that, at 33 yrs of age, I am still willing to go out of my way to crunch autumn leaves? #happysounds

"Fifty shades of talentless drivel fed to people with no standards." - What I think about the majority of "best sellers."

Don't force anything. You're most likely to end up breaking it.

Fucking old white conservative men. Fuck you you fucking fucks.

On an average, each of my tweets gets about three stars, so by Michelin standards, I'm pretty much as good as it gets.

Yes, I was one of those kids who would press pause & play on the tape deck for hours to write down the lyrics to a song. #obsessive

I would watch a show called Not Giving a Krap About The Kardashians.

Biggest twitter pet peeve: people tweeting the oldest jokes in the book as if they're their own. Your unoriginality is making my eyes bleed.

If I could change one thing about the world it would be this lady's haircut.

Taking pictures of your food before you eat is the new 'saying grace'.

Called my landlord to ask about the polyurethane smell and he assured me that companies do not make products that are harmful to people.

If you run a vegan, gluten-free establishment, don't be surprised if your customer base is a bunch of finicky assholes.