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I hate you & hope your favourite indie song ends up in a car commercial
If you don't sing in the car like you're fucking auditioning for American Idol for the 7th time, I don't want to be friends.
How cute is it that Blackberry is still trying? SO cute Blackberry, so cute
Forgot to Instagram my lunch before I ate it :( Can I still be white
Hope Twitter dies out before you guys all get pregnant and live tweet how dilated you are
OK yes. I do have a lot of pictures of myself on my phone but it's so that if you steal it you will fall in love with me & give it back
How does adderall make kids calm & focused? I took 1/2 of a pill an hour ago & now I feel like I want to fuck a laundry machine
The only time I can remember praying lately is whenever I use my debit card hoping it's approved
Making Kraft Dinner with apple sauce right now if anyone wants to know my stance on marijuana legalization
Switched to soy milk 3 weeks ago & found out today that it's estrogenic. Explains why I'm in the fetal position listening to John Mayer
Today, I found out Bon Iver is great running music -- if you like stopping to cry to a fire hydrant about your ex
"See, Beyoncé doesn't follow Solange" - my 9 year old sister on why she unfollowed me on Instagram today
"He died as he lived. Picking an Instagram filter" - my tombstone if I don't start looking up from my phone when I'm crossing the street
Stop encouraging slut-shaming culture. If they're 'man' enough to rape a 16-year-old girl, they're 'man' enough to get raped in jail.
Rather die than let anyone see my 'Recommended for you' videos on YouTube
My phone is 7% pictures with friends, 9% selfies and 84% screengrabs of stupid and embarrassing things you weird fucks do on the Internet
I think my roomie would be ok with my hour-long showers if he knew I was pretending I'm a beaver under a waterfall for most of it
Usually when I get a drink at Starbucks I pretend to check my phone and awkwardly chuckle as I say: "Hang on, I never remember her order"
Listening to Drops of Jupiter on public transit makes me feel like I'm in a straight-to-DVD romcom
At my funeral I wanna be clutching a Sharpie so that my friends can draw 1 last dick on my face if they're ok w/ taking it from my dead hand