I hate you & hope your favourite indie song ends up in a car commercial

If you don't sing in the car like you're fucking auditioning for American Idol for the 7th time, I don't want to be friends.

How cute is it that Blackberry is still trying? SO cute Blackberry, so cute

Forgot to Instagram my lunch before I ate it :( Can I still be white

Hope Twitter dies out before you guys all get pregnant and live tweet how dilated you are

OK yes. I do have a lot of pictures of myself on my phone but it's so that if you steal it you will fall in love with me & give it back

How does adderall make kids calm & focused? I took 1/2 of a pill an hour ago & now I feel like I want to fuck a laundry machine

The only time I can remember praying lately is whenever I use my debit card hoping it's approved

Making Kraft Dinner with apple sauce right now if anyone wants to know my stance on marijuana legalization

Switched to soy milk 3 weeks ago & found out today that it's estrogenic. Explains why I'm in the fetal position listening to John Mayer

Today, I found out Bon Iver is great running music -- if you like stopping to cry to a fire hydrant about your ex

"See, Beyoncé doesn't follow Solange" - my 9 year old sister on why she unfollowed me on Instagram today

"He died as he lived. Picking an Instagram filter" - my tombstone if I don't start looking up from my phone when I'm crossing the street

Stop encouraging slut-shaming culture. If they're 'man' enough to rape a 16-year-old girl, they're 'man' enough to get raped in jail.

Rather die than let anyone see my 'Recommended for you' videos on YouTube

My phone is 7% pictures with friends, 9% selfies and 84% screengrabs of stupid and embarrassing things you weird fucks do on the Internet

I think my roomie would be ok with my hour-long showers if he knew I was pretending I'm a beaver under a waterfall for most of it

Usually when I get a drink at Starbucks I pretend to check my phone and awkwardly chuckle as I say: "Hang on, I never remember her order"

Listening to Drops of Jupiter on public transit makes me feel like I'm in a straight-to-DVD romcom

At my funeral I wanna be clutching a Sharpie so that my friends can draw 1 last dick on my face if they're ok w/ taking it from my dead hand