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Friend: "You're not on FB anymore."
Me: "I'm on Twitter now."
Friend: "Me too. What's your name?"
Me: "I'm kidding. See you on FB."
Show me a kid who puts things back where they found them and I'll show you a serial killer in the making.
Think of an unfollow as someone who started out on a long road trip with you but your talking forced them to jump out of the moving car.
I think this fly is planning something evil the way it keeps rubbing it's hands together.
1. Rock down to Electric Avenue
2. Take it higher
That's all I got so far.
I like my cars like my women: slightly damaged & at a good price.
Right now, someone in the world lit their last cigarette backwards.
When the going gets tough, you can usually find me on the couch.
I need some time to drink about it.
This girl was flirting with me in the convenience store so I cut her short and said, "I'm already in the process of ruining someone's life."
I can't be flirty with the girls on here for two reasons:
1. My gf is following me.
2. Our couch is uncomfortable to sleep on.
The meaning of life may be accidentally revealed on Twitter. It probably will get overlooked and understarred. That's life though.
Top 3 reasons relationships are tough:
1.) Men will never understand women.
2.) Women take advantage of the above.
3.) Everyone is an idiot.
I thought I wanted to be gangsta but then I remembered how much I like wearing a belt.
Somebody DM'd me for a shoutout so I opened my window and screamed his Twitter name as loud as I could. If you heard it, follow that guy!
Why isn't it socially acceptable for adults to cry hysterically when they meet a new ugly person? Babies do it.
My GF called me a "funny fucker."
I said, "Thanks!"
She said, "No. The way you fuck. It's funny."
I saw this guy staring at me at the gas station. I waved. He smiled and waved back. Fuckin people.
Whenever my gf gives me shit about being on Twitter too much, I say, "For my fans." and we both laugh and I put my phone away.
Taking the cat to the vet today.
Oh shit! Thought I was on Facebook.
skilled at the art of changing the subject; unlimited fountain of useless nonsense; usually able to finish 2 cheeseburgers with no problem