TurboTax for PC is the worst RPG ever.

'Make sure your device is discoverable'

- Windows, trying to seduce me.

Good job guys, my phone keeps saying your tweets are 'Refreshing...'

I'll halve what she's halving. #sexyfractions

@greenlikecash Name four celebrities who get better mileage than Adam Corolla?

"I'm giving up for Lent." - The Pope

Using the mouse left-handed today to prevent asymmetrical triceps.

Breaking bread with people is so much better when it's cake instead.

still life w/ cactus and inside-out sock http://t.co/Oc8GOeX5

@mrskrebner The one-year warranty on your DT1 unit has expired. You're stuck.

If only there was a thick white line that indicated where to stop at intersections.

Using your child to advertise your business is a great way to do two things poorly.

"Let them eat oatmeal creme pies." - populist Marie Antoinette

Saw a little kid in a "Judge me by my size, do you?" t-shirt. He's currently in my backpack as I run through the swamp.

"What if we get half pepperoni and half sausage and a separate one with veggies, maybe a small?" - why Supreme Court rulings are so slow

Dudes in Corvettes, quit acting tough. You drive the same car as Barbie.

Donating this painting to the @bringelihome art auction because child abduction sucks. #BringEliHome #justice http://t.co/vDQowRBU

I stop reading a tweet around the 34th character if I'm not feeling it.

For clergy: Google Stained Glass

1] buy all six seasons of Lost on DVD 2] watch it on Netflix because putting a disc in is too much work