Jesus loves me this I know. For the bible tells me so. If he hollers let him go. And Bingo was his name-o.

@BillCorbett MY Ghost Protocol is 1) Bust it. 2) Feel good.

@hodgman I follow you because I want to be marketed to, not entertained (don't mind the occasional joke, but come on!)

"I've been watching too much porn. The cable guy's here. I think he's gonna fuck me."

I experience white guilt every time I say "vinegar".

What is that fucking noise?! This always happens when I'm home alone. Unless the cat is vacuuming I think I'm probably going to be murdered.

Sometimes I squeeze my cat and pretend she's a bagpipe #RIP

@AllredMD It's an Eggs-Statix Easter this year http://t.co/2HTRqIId

I'm infusing some M&Ms in this bottle of cream soda I just bought. Also I don't know what infusing is. #diabeetus

More filling out of applications. Additional skills: very stoic, acerbic wit, not very racist.

I now have a t-shirt with the Vulture on it. No more vaginas for me.

Don't all great romances start with some creep showing up at the gal's work to buy shit he doesn't really need? Is romances the right word?

Okay...So planking is considered racist now? I remember a year ago when it was called the Lying Down Game and no one gave a fuck.

Well of course I'm going to click on something that says "VAGINA MOUSE".

Fact: Believing in and using the zodiac in your life is no different than anything else people choose to believe and base their life on.

I haven't yet given up my dream of hugging @JosephBananas one day.

"I can't help it if I've got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina."

"I have invented a maneuver." - Dr. Heimlich

You know it's Xmas in the Peterson family because my mom already called my dad a faggot and I called my aunt a cunt.

@adultswim Kids, out of the pool / All times and music eastern / Anime still sucks