...i love cooking with wine, sometimes i even put it in the food...

"sweating like a nun in a field of cucumbers"

‎...I took what i thought was liquid Viagra last night...It was, in fact, Whiteout...I woke up this morning with a massive correction...

"50% of all marriages end in sweatpants"...

Having sex with 3 people is called a "threesome," with 2, a "twosome"...Now I know why they call you "handsome"...

...I'm looking forward to the "AS SEEN ON HOARDERS" department at Walmart opening up soon...

...The Military is instituting a "Kiss And Tell" policy to make up for the past years of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" gone awry...

"Friends may come and friends may go, and friends may peter out you know, but we'll be friends thru thick or thin, peter out, or peter in."

...computer viruses and spam will now be re-named: "CYBER-CRABS"...

What's six inches long and not getting sucked tonight? ... Whitney's crack pipe...

"Once you go black, you never go back"...Me, owning a black car. They're the sexiest...

How did we get "Dick" from "Richard" anyway?

‎...Ironically, "Sharon Wiener" is a very selfish woman...

I post stupid shit so you don't have to. Happy Thanksgiving! Thanks to everyone who "follows" me and stars my stupid tweets.

...somedays as a funeral director, I get sick and fucking tired of people's religious beliefs and blind faith. The tooth fairy is real.

...If your on your 6th wipe, you should just take a shower...

My second Fleshlight was a Pringles can stuffed with chunky peanut butter...

Guy in the big yellow Hummer-"look at me!!! My penis is tiny, and I'm an asshole"...

Twitters like a toddler on ecstasy.

Porn Again Christian