Damn girl you must not cite your sources, cause I'm wondering where you got that figure.

I'll give you something to cry about! *dies holding your hand 41 years later*

Adulthood - Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

imagine how often people with an "increasingly louder footsteps" fetish get caught masturbating

"hey pal..." *opens trench coat* "see anything you like?" *trench coat contains a full-length mirror, you shake your head and weep*

*listens patiently while my preschooler explains their fingerpainting* yeeeah i dunno sounds like a buncha bullshit to me

If God isn't real why is "atheist" an anagram for "eat shit"? #checkmate

A surprise party where everyone just emerges from behind your furniture and solemnly, gently informs you that nothing happens after you die.

cant wait til my baby genitals fall out and i get my adult set

broke my leg on the treadmill again; sandstorm came on and i started doing the DDR steps via muscle memory

"A2, Brute?" - Caesar playing Battleship

my pussy so wet Jesus can walk on it

There is approximately 1 Boob for each Person on earth...nice...

*tearfully throws out WORLDS IMMORTALEST GRANDPA mug*

itd be cool if sad shows had canned sobbing dubbed over em, like a laugh track

remember to stay hydrated out there...carbohydrated, that is *drinks pizza grease out a folded slice like dew from a leaf*

*thros skee-ball at the 100 up in the corner, misses and nets a weak 10pts* welp...at least i still have a vast understanding of the world

Hide your drugs in a dog and totally throw off the drug-sniffing dogs.

you know how girls sometimes have orgasms from riding horses? thats the same for boys & rollerblading except i think i might be the only one

"Wow! What a steel!" - comment ive been leaving on every katana i can find on etsy