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"You guys had better knock that off, or so help me, I'll turn the beat around!" -Gloria Estefan on family road trips
I like to think that the Rolling Stones song "Mother's Little Helper" is about Jesse Spano's caffeine pills.
Q: Why do people in NorCal install weather stripping in their homes? A: To protect them from the hella-ments.
Thomas Kinkade and Wyland walk into a bar. The bartender's mom swoons for weeks about whales that look different at night, misunderstanding.
"Santa Claus is Coming to Town" is about the Patriot Act, right?
Just heard "Santa Baby" for the first time of the season. Loading my revolver.
If you own a radio, and love hearing "The Monster Mash" played in its entirety literally every 17 minutes, boy is today your lucky day!
When I'm feeling down, I imagine the band who did the Home Improvement theme song rocking that tune live in a Toronto night club.
...and guest starring the guy who played Young Lex Luthor, as Young Jean-Luc Picard!
"Residue? Resi-don't!" -Million dollar ad idea for a residue remove. You're welcome.
I bet the best job at a bank is the guy in charge of making sure none of the pens have any ink in them.
I'm pretty sure I'm enjoying reading Twitter's commentary on the Grammys far more than anybody anywhere is actually enjoying the Grammys.
I have to go to the bathroom, but I just watched The Dark Knight Rises and I don't know if I can handle any more piles of crap right now.