I haven't yelled in weeks so hopefully I can schedule my upcoming mental breakdown the same day as my Costco trip so I can fit in there.

The guy I used to like just quoted The Rock's catchphrase followed by an "LMFAO" and suddenly I'm not that sad that things didn't work out.

Just got a huge shock by plugging my phone in, so if I don't turn into the pink power ranger soon I'm gonna be pissed.

John Legend's head is shaped like a coffee table.

My hair sucks today so I'm stretching out this hangover so I can get out of family dinner. Ugh and I SO wanted to be there! Just practicing.

I remember having a really in-depth conversation defending Moby last night, so that's strike 2, alcohol.

I don't know why you alchys do it night after night. I woke up today with regret and an alcohol induced version of bulimia. Fun!

@biffynippercorn thanks for the warm welcome, Nippers. I think I'm going to like it here.

If any of my followers are named Marina just do us both a favour and block me now because I already hate you.

For those of you following along, I'm now an alcoholic. It just happened, like, 2 seconds ago.

Don't look up pictures of Tori Spelling's boobs, guys. Three words: big brown nips. I'm only trying to help you here.

@bestservedfresh Well, I only saw a thumbnail but I'm horrified, obviously and I hope that's not a big brown nip I'm seeing.

You know those people that you hear about and laugh at because they send encouraging messages to themselves? Yeah. Hi.

I bet Britney Spears slept with Verne Troyer. I'd also bet that I'm more than a little ashamed for knowing mini-me's real name off by heart.

I would sleep with Mike Myers even if he was dressed as Dr. Evil and yep, just realized I might have some mental issues after typing this.

Watching Goldmember just makes me want to go into the screen & pull Beyonce's damn wig off & then slap myself w/ it for watching this movie.

@robertplankton Thanks for the #FF and for not putting me on the sluts list.

I missed the last Regis show, so I guess I can go ahead and blame Hilary Duff for that, too.

I'm having a really skinny arm day, but it's being wasted because I don't have Hilary Duff's number to call and brag.

@randygiv Thank you. I'm just glad someone has recognized my classy ways.