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I named my first parakeet Tweety. If I ever got a second parakeet, I'd name him Retweety.
"I'm getting laid, then I'm hanging out and bonding with my friends all day." - a brick
Vulnerability begets vulnerability.
Vulnerability makes us beautiful, accessible and encourages intimacy.
Let your drawbridge down today.
I think the same thoughts you do, but I never think to type them in this format.
The pizza smells so good. I want pizza candles for the nights without pizza.
Lust and hunger both stem from the same place in the brain- the hypothalamus. How unbelievably confusing it must be for a horny cannibal...
Don't talk about real life on Twitter. You can have a fake life here.
I pressed play for the audio on all your tweets, and I immediately went into a downward spiral of nymphomatic depression.
I look forward to the day when the zip-line is a reliable mode of transportation.
Before I owned an iPhone,had a recurring nightmare I couldn't dial my husband'sphone#.now the nightmare: my husband leaves me for my iPhone.
I let my phone do a lot of things, but phone sex is out of the question.
Some say misery loves company. The misery I know is in a love triangle with a supermodel and a chef.
When I have a stale baguette in the house, I bridge it between two chairs and karate-chop it in half. What else would I do with it...
Caramel corn without peanuts is like sex without love.
Life's a bitch, but at some point it turns into a bird. You'll know when life's a bird .... you will have an intense urge to tweet a lot.
Toilet therapy: Spew out all your rage and hatred at the toilet.make the toilet feel shitty (it's used to it). Now Flush. Then tweet.
"Opportunity knocks only once, but Regret crashes on your couch and eats all your peanut butter." -- Conan O' Brien
Maybe If I'm really really good, the Spare Tire fairy will come and take my spare tire away.