All of my stories are true. Some truer than others. -Duncan Fife

"I could have been somebody. I could have competed equally with my contemporaries." #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue

They really should change the name to the YouTube Video Awards.

Tonight at @iowest, F. Snatch takes the stage with L. Ron at 12am! @goldentusk @markgags @tommyorourke @jbkite @mattknudsen @stevebenaquist

Right now I am LITERALLY covered from head to toe in nachos.

I'm not making typos, your making typos.

I want to put a dollar sign in my name but I don't know which letter to replace. :(

Whenever I'm told "location tbd", I always hope it's going to be Disneyland.

Eating salad with no meat is basically like doing other things without the best part of that thing you're doing.

Trying to quell rumors of using genetically modified chicken, maybe @kfc_colonel shouldn't center their campaign around boneless chickens?

Just saw 42. If you want to see a great sports movie that deals with racism, go watch Remember The Titans.

If it weren't for Emojis I would NOT be able to talk to girls.

@mdamarshall "ye who thinks about stuff, denies himself the ability not to stop doing stuff" -esophocles

I will not see your improv show unless the other people in the cast have recognizable credits listed next to their name in parenthesis.

Sometimes I call my friends girlfriend...even if they're boys!

If you have time to say the full word 'million', you obviously don't have mills of dolls.

I'm just doing what everyone else my age is doing; sitting in traffic, dressed like a duck, listening to Guys & Dolls.

The best part about cookies is the way they taste and feel in your mouth when you eat them.

Now that our Lord and Savior has helped the Ravens get into the Super Bowl, He should go back to keeping civil rights from gay people.

When I say something sassy you'd better just ASSUME I'm standing here with my hands on my hips.