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Tired of elderly relatives accosting you at weddings saying "You're next"? Well, next time you're at a funeral, say the same thing to them.
Wowsers. Ladbrokes have it 8/1 that Cameron will step down by end of week?!?
Guys, just remember that whilst Cee Lo Green may look like a horny oompa-loompa, he definitely gets more ass than you. #XFACTOR
BEST euphemism for your vagina; The Good China - because it only comes out for special company. You're welcome!
Dear Every Magazine Ever, What kind of fucked-up twisted world do we live in where Blake Lively is considered 'curvy'...?
Dear Iceland. What ungodly f*cking canape bastardisation is a hoisin-duck xmas-tree??!! Why do you hate food? And xmas?
New. Kanye. Album. Spring. 2012. #IDie!
Starting a hashtag - What are your sex dealbreakers? Eg: If you go home with someone and they don't own any books. #DontShagThem!
I wish I could explain the immensity of fucks I do not give about Pippa Middleton...
What happened to Hugging a Hoody, Cameron...?
Missoni for Target? Please understand that I will cut a bitch... Nothing personal, just fashion. You understand.
You say: "I'm just a guy's girl!" I hear: "I'm a slut, and will try to fuck your boyfriend."
On the beach watching topless men play volleyball, slowly eating a hot-dog, 80's music blaring on a boom-box. I am gayer than Top Gun.
Banana Republic is exclusively for women who have sex with the lights off.