I like to think of homeless people as piggy banks that I'll never see again.

Republicans love oil but hate gays. Oil makes rainbow colors in water. Oil is gay. Republicans have to hate oil now. Yay I stopped the wars!

Advice for bad carpenters: You'd better check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.

What if instead of working out I just hung out naked in the locker room playing bejeweled on my phone?

I like elephants because we had to invent a special gun just for them.

I like how in Portland there's a place called New York Pizza, but I doubt there's a place in New York called Portland Quinoa Salad.

When I die I want my ashes to be shot out of a t-shirt cannon at a Nickleback concert. Because fuck their fans, they can eat me.

This kid is taking bites out her string cheese instead pulling off strings. I wonder what horrors she saw that made her grow up all at once.

Every text is a sext when you look as good as I do.

I masturbate like I'm pumping the loneliness out of me. Wait that's not really an analogy, just the truth.

I like you a little more than I like being alone. So uh, do you want to eat food in front of each other?

Gay neighbors are like dogs, they can always tell when you're sad.

New pick up line: I'm tired of being outside of you.

Ever drop your last M&M, and catch it before it hits the ground and now you're the best!

When I order a bacon burger I like to pretend that the cow and the pig were friends who entered into a suicide pact to make me happy.

Twitter is just a lot of people admitting to the world how much they want to be liked over and over in 140 characters or less.

Had a dream where Liam Neeson and @shelbyfero were trying to be pranksters but Neeson kept turning every "prank" into a deadly booby trap.

I got this great pick up line where I go up to a girl and say nothing. Then I go home and eat an entire pizza. So far it's always worked.

Chopping onions always makes me cry because my dead grandpa used to teach under-privileged onions how read.

The older I get, the more my personal space bubble grows. So, like, no I don't want a lap dance.