@cannedtoona's (Canned Toona) most faved Tweets...
She: Scrambled or fried?
Me: Don't care. I'm eggnostic.
She: The yolks on you.
Me: Eggsplain yourself.
She: No, dumbass, you got egg on you.
Me: Don't care. I'm eggnostic.
She: The yolks on you.
Me: Eggsplain yourself.
She: No, dumbass, you got egg on you.
4
Dear Evil Boss: If you're going to insist on sucking the life out of me, at least let me choose the point of extraction.
4
Crap. This is how it always starts. I wake up naked. And soon the cops will be here. Better start the coffee. #youknowtheroutine
3
Me: I love that book! That whole light sabre battle,I am your father bit.
He: This is the Bible.
Me: Oh.
Sad how Dumbledore dies.
He: This is the Bible.
Me: Oh.
Sad how Dumbledore dies.
2
My wife says I'm often talking out of my ass. I'm not sure what that means, but doesn't it sound like the worst ventriloquist act EVER?
2
Michael J Fox's humanitarian visit to Haiti was cut short when locals blamed him for triggering several aftershocks. #LaughSoIDontCry
2
Dear Pfizer: I'd be more likely to remember to take my Lipitor if it was wrapped in bacon. And deep fried. #whendoIgetmyroyaltychecks?
2
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? ♫ Oh wait. Those are buzzards. AWKwaaaard.
2
@KimblyPants Polygamist: noun - Poly (meaning many or much) and Gamist (one who excels at games) So, polygamist = one who has much game.
2
Ah, donkey balls. Nervous young donkeys wearing new gowns, waiting for some brave donkey to ask them if they'd like some donkey punch.
2
Should "the fuck" be hyphenated? As in "chill-the-fuck-out?" My wife insists that with me "the fuck" is always abbreviated.
2
@mrsF5 I SO wanted to grow up to be a Solid Gold Dancer!! And you know what? I DID!! Dreams DO COME TRUE! #kickspinjazzhands #andfreeze
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