I refuse to use condoms for environmental purposes. So go ahead, don't sleep with me ... Earth-hater.

"Your honor, the jury could not reach a verdict because juror #8 had some killer weed and...well...we're dreadlocked.

I could have sworn I just saw this huge mosquito wipe some bug spray off my arm and rub it on its gums.

Isn't it weird how no ex-con has ever come out of prison with a marketable toilet wine?

"Nervous breakdown or Atkin's?" -me to the guy on the subway eating a meatball like it's an apple.

I'm taking yoga to save my marriage. She'll be so impressed when I can ACTUALLY go fuck myself.

I still haven't decided whether Twitter has eliminated my need for therapy or increased it. Maybe I'll just ask my ear wax collection.

I don't think it's a coincidence that chihuahuas fit perfectly into a standard-size flour tortilla.

I was going to watch 'The View' this morning but then I thought I might give recreational catheter inserting a whirl instead.

I like my women the same way I like my veal - hot and mistreated as a child.

On the sobriety spectrum, I fall somewhere.

Just got back from Ireland where it's very difficult to tell the difference between breakfast and 'rock bottom'.

"NOT TODAY!...NOT ON MY WATCH!" -me to the annoying guy in the emergency room who wanted to time his stupid wife's contractions.

For the love of god, would somebody please just toss Bruno Mars a grenade already?

Makes sense that Whitney Houston had both cocaine and benadryl in her system when she died. Blow fiends hate a sneezer.

I tried yoga today and I can honestly say that what I lack in flexibility I more than make up for in flatulence and moaning like a bitch.

I just hope my alcoholism found my nest egg delicious.

You notice how all these cannibals in America are only eating noses, lips and assorted organs? Smart. Go right for the hotdog ingredients.

My wife told me to crawl in a hole and die. I want to be cremated. She never fucking listens.

My new dining room table was supposed to arrive 2 days ago and let me tell you, eating meals on a blanket is no picnic...wait...