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If your boyfriend/girlfriend has no texts in their phone's history, you're totally being cheated on.
Sometimes relationships don't work out because of timing, but most of the time it's because someone is an asshole.
Ladies, don't be afraid to wear less makeup. Guys like a natural look. Unless you're ugly. Then pile that shit on.
Jay-Z has vowed to never use the word "bitch" again. I guess he has 100 problems now.
When a girl says, "Whatever you want, I don't care," she means, "Pick something that I want or I will cut you."
When someone's apology is, "I'm sorry you feel that way," they're actually saying, "I couldn't be less sorry, but here, have some bullshit."
Googling your symptoms when you don't feel well is the most efficient way to convince yourself you're dying.
If it weren't for alcohol how would we even know when to call our exes?
Dudes who make a habit of saying "bros before hoes" usually have neither.
I hope someone will document at least one girl's evolution from "Toddlers & Tiaras" to "Teen Mom" to "Intervention" to "Hoarders."
The way I feel when a waiter brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.
Adele just wrote a whole new album because her boyfriend responded to a text with "k."
Money may not buy happiness but it can buy vodka and pizza and cupcakes and HANG ON BECAUSE HERE COMES THE HAPPINESS!
I'm so old I remember when teens getting pregnant meant "PANIC!" not "Congratulations, you get your own MTV show!"
Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
Here's the thing: If you have a lot of "haters," there's a pretty good chance that you actually are an asshole.
The exact translation of "We'll just agree to disagree" is "You couldn't be more f**king wrong but I'm over this discussion."
I had hoped for tall, dark and handsome.
At this point, I'd be satisfied with someone who knows the difference between "your" and "you're."
When a girl says, "I can't believe I'm doing this!" just know that she had it planned from the minute she shaved.
That moment when "Under Pressure" becomes "Ice Ice Baby" is like biting into a raisin cookie because you thought it was chocolate chip.
Novelist/Screenwriter/TV Writer/ Instagram: @capricecrane