If your boyfriend/girlfriend has no texts in their phone's history, you're totally being cheated on.

Ladies, don't be afraid to wear less makeup. Guys like a natural look. Unless you're ugly. Then pile that shit on.

Jay-Z has vowed to never use the word "bitch" again. I guess he has 100 problems now.

Sometimes relationships don't work out because of timing, but most of the time it's because someone is an asshole.

When a girl says, "Whatever you want, I don't care," she means, "Pick something that I want or I will cut you."

Googling your symptoms when you don't feel well is the most efficient way to convince yourself you're dying.

I'm so old I remember when teens getting pregnant meant "PANIC!" not "Congratulations, you get your own MTV show!"

Dudes who make a habit of saying "bros before hoes" usually have neither.

When someone's apology is, "I'm sorry you feel that way," they're actually saying, "I couldn't be less sorry, but here, have some bullshit."

If it weren't for alcohol how would we even know when to call our exes?

The way I feel when a waiter brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.

Here's the thing: If you have a lot of "haters," there's a pretty good chance that you actually are an asshole.

Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.

I hope someone will document at least one girl's evolution from "Toddlers & Tiaras" to "Teen Mom" to "Intervention" to "Hoarders."

Money may not buy happiness but it can buy vodka and pizza and cupcakes and HANG ON BECAUSE HERE COMES THE HAPPINESS!

Adele just wrote a whole new album because her boyfriend responded to a text with "k."

If eye-rolling burned calories, women would never have to diet.

The exact translation of "We'll just agree to disagree" is "You couldn't be more f**king wrong but I'm over this discussion."

That moment when "Under Pressure" becomes "Ice Ice Baby" is like biting into a raisin cookie because you thought it was chocolate chip.

People who say "supposably" instead of "supposedly," are just letting you know you never have to listen to anything they say ever again.