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Calm down, everybody posting the ‘My Year' flip books on Facebook. Honestly, we didn't give a shit the first time.
Obama called James Franco "James Flacco" & now James Flacco is trending. Sorry, a nonexistent person's now more famous than you, most of LA.
Life Hack: If you make sure you always give terrible advice to people, eventually they'll stop asking.
All I want for Christmas is peace. Oh, of course world peace would be nice, but I mean the "just leave me the hell alone" kind of peace.
Whenever I think I almost have it together, I'm reminded I've had the same legs for my entire life, yet I cut my ankle every time I shave.
Apparently, more than 13,000 weddings took place today because it was 12/13/14. Hope those couples find just as cute a day to get divorced!
No, I don't want to go to your "ugly sweater party." And for the record, all of your sweaters are ugly.
Entire nail salon just stopped in their tracks when a reality star rushed in announcing she has an ingrown toenail. Welcome to Hollywood!
Girl in Neiman Marcus just asked the sales associate for a bottle of water for her Maltese. The dog's tag says, "Bae." I'm done for the day.
I just heard someone say "supposably" twice in one sentence and stayed totally calm. I feel like that deserves some kind of medal.
"Siri, why am I out of coffee?"
Just reenacted Sixteen Candles ending when they lean over the cake except there was no Jake Ryan or candles, just me eating a bunch of cake.
Sometimes I'll give people a second chance to see if maybe I made a mistake, and 99% of the time I'm reminded of why I couldn't stand them.
TV viewers are furious because a man did not get eaten alive by a giant snake, in case you're wondering if human beings are still terrible.
Breaking on Facebook: Amy did CrossFit, Your uncle's a racist, someone wrote "BACON!" on a vegan post and it's some random dude's birthday.
Novelist/Screenwriter/TV Writer/ Facebook: http://facebook.com/writercapricecrane Instagram: http://instagram.com/capricecrane