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I found out today that if you sing "fuck you" with a range of notes and some falsetto, the person you're addressing won't really notice.
I'm never too busy to stop and eavesdrop when a couple is fighting in public.
Yesterday LA was so hot everyone posted screenshots of the weather, but today's cooler so there's a void they can only fill with more Botox.
I just unsubscribed from a couple dozen email lists. I've never felt so alive!
Sorry I didn't hear what you said, I was trying to keep my head from exploding after reading a bunch of idiocy on Facebook.
If you think you might want to commit a mass shooting, the best thing you can do is take that handy gun and kill yourself.
There's a toddler with a mullet at the next table and I feel like she's totally judging me.
My neighbor got a puppy and it's alone on her deck, crying. Is it illegal to 'borrow' the dog just to comfort the baby until she gets home?
On a more positive note, feeling completely empty inside leaves more room for tacos, cupcakes, vodka, those little goldfish crackers...
The Esther the Wonder Pig book is finally out today! "Funny, moving, and heartwarming," says @rickygervais Yay! http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1455560782/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1455560782&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwcapricecra-20&linkId=ZLYFBJUIIELPOI2H …
The reason I don't go out much is that there's only so long I can pretend to be normal.
When receptionists ask if I need validation, I think, "Please say I'm pretty. Tell me you're proud of me. Anything!"
Just a stamp.
I just heard a neighbor calling to her children, who are apparently named "Serene" and "Seven," so I think I"m done for today.
Novelist/Screenwriter/TV Writer/ Facebook: http://facebook.com/writercapricecrane Instagram: http://instagram.com/capricecrane
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