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I would give one million dollars to see Taylor Swift run up and grab the mic from Kanye right now.
Too bad Mean Girls came out 10+ years ago, when the world wasn't yet stupid enough to add "fetch" as an adjective to the dictionary.
My taxi driver crossed 3 lanes (lots of honking) to get me and said "I like challenges!" as I got in, in case you wondered what NYC is like.
Just found out my mom calls a "Sharpie" an "Autograph Pen" so that'll be reason number 9 trillion why I love her.
I found out yesterday that one of my neighbors has a kangaroo and it's literally been all I can think about ever since.
A presidential candidate calling himself "Deez Nuts," is polling at 9% in North Carolina. That just about sums up the state of this country.
There's an alternate universe where George Zimmerman is a human rights activist who writes think pieces.
Is today "Everybody Drive Like an Asshole Day?" Because I didn't get the memo and I wish I'd known.
The only thing I care less about than "Ben Affleck's nanny" is nothing. There is literally nothing I care less about.
I've basically set up a "nanny-cam" to watch the wild animals in my back yard. Procrastination level-up!
Maybe she's born with it, MAYBE it's Maybelline? Are you not trying to sell a product? What's with the games? Say it's fucking Maybelline.
They didn't! And you're about the thousandth person who has pointed this out to me. Pay up! @generalmills https://twitter.com/Keith5Jordan/status/629451937554014208 …
If you consider me singing 16 made-up songs to my dog productive, then yes, I've gotten a lot done today.
If you say something and your significant other pointedly repeats it back to you like they're asking a question? You're busted.
Gwen Stefani is divorcing Gavin Rossdale. I have No Doubt that she'll land on her feet.
Novelist/Screenwriter/TV Writer/ Facebook: http://facebook.com/writercapricecrane Instagram: http://instagram.com/capricecrane
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