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I'm just a girl. Standing in front of a boy. Trying to explain why I hacked his email and broke up with his girlfriend for him.
Sorry but I completely stopped listening to you after you said, "supposebly."
I blow a whistle whenever somebody's story starts to get boring. I don't have time for that shit.
The amount of fun you had is directly proportionate to the number of "mystery bruises" you find the next day.
People are posting RIP photos of Morgan Freeman instead of Nelson Mandela in case you're wondering what kind of idiots are out there.
Adulthood is when you stop competing over games and start competing over who is more exhausted.
Man says "I'm fine."
He means he's fine.
Woman says, "I'm fine."
She means, "DIE IN A FIRE!"
PEOPLEFAX! Like CARFAX but a full history report on how the person treated other human beings. ™
Shout out to my boo, Netflix.
Sorry your baby is a mean drunk. Maybe next time don't ask me to babysit?
Turning water into wine? Well I can turn wine into a series of very bad decisions. Your move, Jesus.
Sorry, but if you write, "your welcome," I'm afraid I'll have to rescind the "thank you."
Makeup? ✔ Good hair day? ✔ The perfect angle? ✔ Same photo taken 19 times until you hate yourself and scrap the whole thing? ✔
The only difference between Black Friday and the zombie apocalypse is the zombies don't care if you get the last HD TV.
Q. What are you most thankful for today?
A. Elastic waistbands
No thanks, mass text that says "Gobble Gobble."
They should make glory holes for petting puppies.
We see you, couples posting on Facebook about how happy you are, and we know you're full of shit.
Remember when we all had attention spans?
People are like snowflakes. I avoid them at all costs.
Novelist/Screenwriter/TV Writer/ Facebook: http://facebook.com/writercapricecrane Instagram: http://instagram.com/capricecrane