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Charming Guy at the next table is telling his date about the worst meal his wife ever made for him. She seems thrilled.
The Bachelor 2-on-1 date episodes are the greatest because they always find new and exciting ways to leave the loser stranded and alone.
An avocado looks in the mirror. "Today's your big day. Sure, you're fat but it's the good kind of fat. People love guacamole. You got this."
Having some friends over for the Super Bowl. That's "football" right?
Every minute of my life is a countdown to when I'll eat next.
Facebook: "Check out my "Friends Day" collage!"
Twitter: "Jerked off twice and ate a burrito."
Snapchat: "You're still on FB and Twitter?"
Jeb Bush asking an audience in New Hampshire to "please clap," is reminiscent of every terrible date I had in my 20s.
"Seaweed Is The New Kale" and "Cauliflower Is The New Kale" are both headlines. They can't both be the new kale. CNN should let them debate.
That little groundhog didn't see his shadow. Must be nice to not be followed by a cloak of doom and dread. Happy Groundhog Day!
The democratic Iowa caucus is so close, everyone in Los Angeles is going to have to refill their xanax prescription tomorrow.
Your success really depends on how loosely you're willing to define the word "success."
The first step to me not eating at your restaurant is you listing the calories on the menu. I don't need that kind of stress.
What came first: the tube-top wearing mom with the glitter eyeshadow or the weird spelling with an unnecessary "y" in her kid's name?
There's a special place in hell for people who get to the front of a line and still haven't decided what they want to order.
Just put my boots on before I put pants on 'cause i forgot I wasn't wearing any & I'm in a hurry. In case anyone's looking for a life coach.
Novelist/Screenwriter/TV Writer/ Facebook: http://facebook.com/writercapricecrane Instagram: http://instagram.com/capricecrane
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