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I wish I cared about anything half as much as people who emphatically hate cilantro.
Matt Damon calls Ben Affleck after hearing he's divorcing Jen: "Dude! We had a deal! This was not part of the deal!"
My dog is blind and deaf and doesn't have an ounce of self-pity. Animals are so much better than people.
I was literally just at la break at m cafe and now I'm 5 mins from home
Donald Trump taking a break from politics to sue Univision over a Miss Universe pageant, sounds as ridiculous as him running for President.
I will see your inspirational quote and raise you this 27-foot pile of dogshit.
Taylor Swift is basically running the world.
Hey, people who refuse to let you merge because one car length is going to ruin your life: Don't ever doubt how much other people hate you.
Note to everyone: Just because the President said the N-word, doesn't mean you get to say it. Not even a little bit.
Here's to the man responsible for putting countless dads on the map! Happy Maury Povich Day!
If you don't have anything nice to say, please at least know the difference between "your" and "you're."
The Confederate Flag is like the "Patient Zero" of racism. Anyone flying it is spreading the disease.
I see "Pray for Charleston" posts and realize these innocent people were in their church, praying themselves when they were murdered. Awful.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the time spent watching it. Today is not that day.
Dudes are gonna be pissed when they find out the first person who said "man buns" are a good look was totally fucking with them.
A blonde girl in a "Compton" t-shirt just literally started crying because she broke a nail on the treadmill. Straight Outta Compton indeed.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I'm reminded that, at their core, most people are assholes.
Novelist/Screenwriter/TV Writer/ Facebook: http://facebook.com/writercapricecrane Instagram: http://instagram.com/capricecrane
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