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Just once, when a murderer's neighbor gets interviewed on the news, I'd like to hear him say, "That guy always seemed a little murdery."
Um, I thought we were done with the Apple fiasco but this morning my alarm clock was missing and Bono was standing by my bed singing?
You can point out other people's typos or you can have friends. But not both.
"White people. Pumpkin Spice Lattes. LOL. So white." - white people
Sure, you'll get a "bless you" for your 1st sneeze. Yes, I will reluctantly bless you if you sneeze again. But after that, you can fuck off.
"It is no more acceptable to abuse a pig than it would be to abuse a dog." Thank you @billmaher for your OP-ED today: http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/10/18/opinion/free-pigs-from-the-abusive-crates.html?referrer= …
"Waiter, how do you pronounce this?"
"And what about this?"
"Sir, I have other tables."
"Wrong. It's gnocchi."
Remember when you posted that selfie, then got self-conscious and deleted it, thinking probably nobody saw? Oh, we saw.
That moment of panic when you get a notification that you've been tagged in a photo but you don't know what it is yet.
If you're wondering what kind of assholes live in my neighborhood, the sweetheart a few doors up has roosters. No farm. Just roosters.
He died doing what he loved: faking his own death. Or did he...
The kids who grow up to be teachers from this generation will write OMFG and LMFAO next to the wrong answers.
Someone I respect, admire & deeply cherish just lost his husband to suicide. If you're depressed, please ask for help. We're here & we care.
Novelist/Screenwriter/TV Writer/ Facebook: http://facebook.com/writercapricecrane Instagram: http://instagram.com/capricecrane