Once you understand that your success doesn't depend upon the failure of others you'll become less of an asshole.

I think the barista just suggested I try decaf, but it's hard to tell what he's saying with his teeth suddenly knocked out like that.

People who won't shut up about their juice fasts and how full of toxins we all are can eat a bag of dicks. Organic dicks, of course.

This world is not going to make any progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."

Oklahoma needs our help. Please skip two lattes this week and donate $10 by texting REDCROSS to 90999.

@laurabenanti Maybe you could have just asked me for coffee to talk about my bad choices and not done this tweet? #hurtful

My coffee just spilled after I'd only had two sips, so yes, I've loved and lost.

I'm never more ruthless than when deciding who to wish a happy birthday to on Facebook and who to ignore.

People in the Whole Foods vitamin aisle obviously care about their body, but they don't bathe or wash their hair? Alanis, is this a song?

You'd think deciding what name to give the cashier at Starbucks would be easy but I try to make it special for both of us. Love, Hamface

@puddinstrip @pattonoswalt @danadelany How did we all not know this? We could have arranged a telethon. Or at least worn colored ribbons.

@danadelany @puddinstrip Don't take the Great White shirt, Dana. I have way better rock T's. We can share. #sisters4lyfe

@puddinstrip @danadelany Oh, no. Thank you @danadelany for having a girl's back. It's a jersey, Matt. Not a jacket. And we're over.

@puddinstrip pic.twitter.com/xs2RDUjp2V

How much he loves Phish is one of the best things a guy can share with me right before I don't have sex with him.

I'd like driving a lot more if we could record our own horn messages: "I HAVE A CAR, YOU HAVE A BIKE. ARE YOU CHALLENGING ME?!"

The internet would be so much better if we could download pizza.

She's quiet until you get to know her. Then she's still quiet. What I'm saying is, she's a mute.

OJ Simpson is blaming his lawyer for wrongful imprisonment. Reminds me of the time I blamed my scale for aggravated assault.

The Teen Mom who just did her Backdoor Porn is worried she got pregnant "that way" which explains why she was a teen mom in the first place.