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I’m never going to have children so that I can spend my money on something more fulfilling and rewarding like a lazy river in my backyard.
Whenever a guy compliments my ass, I say, "thanks, I poop with it."
Is that a cell phone in your pocket or is your penis just vibrating?
"Good morning, everyone!"
"I know you can do better than that; GOOD MORNING EVERYONE!"
THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, YOU FUCKIN' PUSSY.
SOMEONE NUT THE FUCK UP, BUY A KRYSTAL FRANCHISE, AND PUT IT WHERE THE CHECKER’S USED TO BE.
I just told my dog that “it’s okay to express emotions” and she ran outside and into traffic.
In high school I got Most Likely To Bottle Up My Feelings And Subtly Hint At What's Bothering Me
I feel like every time I come to Jackson I "accidentally" get "drunk as shit".
I now pronounce you Boo Thang and Boo Thang.
I’m a real human bean.
I’m fluent in Restaurant Spanish.
Every time I see a cheeseburger, I get so excited that my trachea collapses.
If a girl has sex with a lot of guys, everyone calls her a slut; yet if a guy does the same thing, everyone calls him gay. LIFE’S NOT FAIR.
Saying you’re really good at guitar hero is like saying you make the best ramen noodles ever.