Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I’m never going to have children so that I can spend my money on something more fulfilling and rewarding like a lazy river in my backyard.
SOMEONE NUT THE FUCK UP, BUY A KRYSTAL FRANCHISE, AND PUT IT WHERE THE CHECKER’S USED TO BE.
I just told my dog that “it’s okay to express emotions” and she ran outside and into traffic.
I’m a real human bean.
I’m fluent in Restaurant Spanish.
Every time I see a cheeseburger, I get so excited that my trachea collapses.
If a girl has sex with a lot of guys, everyone calls her a slut; yet if a guy does the same thing, everyone calls him gay. LIFE’S NOT FAIR.
Saying you’re really good at guitar hero is like saying you make the best ramen noodles ever.
Ordering Pinot Grigio at the bar is a nice way of letting others know that you're going to spray piss all over a public restroom later.
What I lack in personality, I make up for in never listening to dubstep.
I bet Ryan Gosling masturbates to pictures of himself masturbating.
It’s spelled Caroline, but it’s pronounced Xylophone.
"I am not crazy." - every crazy person
"I'm so crazy!" - every uninteresting person
I’m just a girl, standing in front of her mozzarella sticks, asking them to love me.
Comcast murdered my entire family.
I still can’t believe I bleed from my vagina every month.