When you're the only one to star a tweet, it becomes yours, doesn't it? It's pretty much like peeing on it.

What doesn't kill you, seriously disappoints me.

I just yawned and now I'm pretty sure a whale somewhere is trying to answer.

So it's not protocol to tell the pizza delivery guy to reach for the money in your bra? Sorry for my lack of etiquette...

I have a talent for losing in those win/win situations.

Dentist: "Open wide" Me: "Blowjob wide?" -- He looked shocked. Aren't they supposed to know oral?

Yes, I DO think "did you bring my pizza?" is an acceptable answer when you're in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

It's not indecent exposure if someone's mouth is covering your genitals.

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

I'm not having sex because I'm saving myself for the coroner.

Nice... Of all things he could try to force down my throat, he chose religion. Glorious waste of time.

Killing doesn't make you a psycho, but if you dig up the bodies just to kick them, well... you might have some issues.

We should fuck like we're fighting for the sandwich.

I feel kinda guilty when I waste perfectly condescending answers on an idiot.

Ok life, I see your responsibilities and I raise you a pillow.

I'm not on Favstar, so I go and personally hand you my Tweet of the Day cup, with hobo carolers singing while I obscenely fondle you.

Sext: Thrust your low standards deep into my desperation.

He just called his dick his "privates", so I'd say it has been at least two decades since the last time he fucked anyone.

Could you move your avi a little bit to the right so I can try another imaginary sex position?

Why don't they just make vibrating remotes? It would definitely save me the trouble of removing the batteries from it every time.