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When you’re dating me there is nothing too good or too expensive on McDonald’s dessert menu.
What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches.
A wise man once said... nothing. He let her vent and they had sex after.
I'm working from home and my bed is saying dirty things to me like "get on top of me and close your eyes."
Finished P90X's Yoga X without crying this time. Namaste.
My dead hooker found out about my other dead hooker and now neither will talk to me.
I don't mean to brag but I have really nice teeth. I just wish they were straight.
Retweeting w/out starring is the new I'm-not-interested-but-my-friends-might-be.
If someone is touching you and makes you orgasm, that's a *type* of sex right? Cause my chiropractor disagrees.
The even earlier bird waits outside the nest to bang the early-bird-that-gets-the worm's wife.
When I'm rich I'm gonna buy prostitutes instead of renting them.
I don't care what you guys say.. I like TotD acceptance speeches.
Can't believe I've been on Twitter this long and still can't spell diarrhea without Google.
Just finished listening the Adele album. I don't trust men anymore.
February should be Asian History Month cause it has the smallest penis.