Wow. Law and Order is on. What are the chances?

I'll be emmotionally unavailable for the rest of the day. Leave a message.

So Carrie, any thought to a job? Yes mom.. Here's my plan - I want to evangelize 7-11 & ensure the longevity of the slurpee. Thats the plan.

This Valium and Ativan self medication combo is starting to blurr my vision. Making your ass look twice as fat. I'll have another.

Would it be bad to photoshop a picture of me holding a baby and use it on my linkedin profile? I think unemployed w/child = sympathy hire.

I have a blind date tonight. Well not blind I've met him, but I was blind drunk so it's basically the same thing.

At my shady accountant getting my taxes done. I told him I want as much money back as possible without going to jail. He's ok with this.

Nothing says cool like opening a fresh package of Chips Ahoy on a Sat. Night before 11. It says AWSOME. And they are, and clearly, I am.

I should be at the airport boarding a flight to LA right now. I should also learn to set my alarm. And that's all I have to say about that.

Googled myself (likeuhavent). According 2 search I'm a large white woman from Alaska who puts on murder mystery parties. That's so accurate.

My yoga teacher just said I have a "flexible pelvis". Recent lack of use makes this a miracle. Adding it to resume under: accomplishements.

Today I realized my "I'm confused", "I love that", "I like you", "you're annoying" and my "I don't get it" face expressions look the same.

Wait, was the Superbowl last night? Who won? My head was stuck in a Dorito Bag after funneling Bud. Like a blackout, only nacho cheesy.

Just had a half hour talk with my neighbor. He did not look up from my boobs once the whole time. Note to self: Wear Bra in apt. complex.

Just spent 3 hrs at Bloomingdales buying clothes with Satan. He has great taste. It's ok to be poor as long as you look good. He said that.

Went 2 Walgreens wearing Uggs, Juicy sweats & fleece. Walked out w/ tampons & 2 Cadbury eggs. Heard guy say "called it" as I left.

Are bike shorts still a "thing", because if not, I need to alert the visual horror walking in front of me. Wow. Flag on the play. Illegal.

Christian Slater is on Extreme Home Makeover. I think it's safe to say: career over and male prostitution isn't paying the bills.

The Bachelor told the girl whose ex cheated on her that he felt no sexual chemistry. I almost heard her hymen close w/zipper of insecurity.

Watching grown men celebrate St. Patrick's Day by drinking green beer & Jager makes me want to hand them a choo choo train and blankie.